Out of tears
by KleinerRabe
Summary: Shuichi gets depressed and all his problems led him to...DRUGS. I'm not good with summaries, just read it and please review. Strong language in parts...COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:  
I don't own Gravitation, this story is just "for fun".**

**Some strong language!**

**Chapter 1**

I can not tell when exactly it began. I only know it had something to do with a fight Yuki and I had once.

And as usual after a fight, I decided to go to Hiros. I just wanted to let everything out. So Hiro listened to my story, like he always did, and he seemed to be a little bit worried, but also a little bit bored. And I know why. It's because I always tell him the same.

So we decided to go out, he wanted to free my mind from the thoughts I had about Yuki.

And so we headed into a club we knew in the near of his home. Although Hiro told me not to drink too much, I started to drink and could not stop it. Hiro drank alcohol, too, but he was used to it.

I started giggling and Hiro just stood there and smiled at me. I know he thinks I'm cute. I know that since we started being friends.

But soon Hiro was a little bit drunk, too, and we felt like dancing.

On the dance floor we met some other crazy guys like us. After being exhausted of dancing, we ordered another drink and started to chat with them. I think one of them was called Masami, but I won't swear that!

I'm not sure if they really did not know who we were, but if they knew, they did not show it. Hiro soon started his silly smoking and I noticed Masami smiling all the time. He seemed to be in a good mood! I don't really like the smell of smoke, but I ignored it, as I was used to do it with Yuki.

After a few more drinks I wanted a smoke, too. Hiro looked confused after I expressed my desire and he shook his head.

"I don't think you really want that, Shuichi" he stroked back my hair and chuckled. Sometimes I hate it when he thinks of me as an innocent dumb cutie. I'm not innocent anymore, thanks to Yuki, maybe I'm a dumb sometimes and the last thing I want to be is a cutie. I'm a 20-year-old guy, so nobody should call me a cutie!

Well, enough of that. One of the guys, I believe it was Masami, smiled at me and pulled me nearer to him.

I did not really feel comfortable with him, but I didn't complain.

"If you want to feel real good, I can show you something better than smoking normal cigarettes!"

Hiro raised an eyebrow and looked at me. I know he was certain I would say "no", but instead I asked the guy

"So what is it?"

I felt curios and wanted to now what he had meant by his words. He pulled me closer to him again, if this was possible and brushed my ear with his lips.

"Something really good, I will show you!"

I saw him lightening a normal looking cigarette; he inhaled deeply and smiled at me. I could smell tobacco, but there was something else in it. It smelled sweet and bitter at the same time. Masami looked so happy and I wanted to be happy like him, too.

My hand was moving automatically to Masami, I wanted to grip this damn cigarette, but Hiro stopped me.

"Don't do this, Shuichi. That would be stupid!" He sounded worried; although he was drunken he noticed I was going to inhale the smoke of a joint.

I don't really remember what was going on in my mind at this moment; I think I wanted to prove him that I was not that innocent he expected me to be.

I just shook my head and asked Masami to give me his cigarette. And he did.

Yes, I'm certain; this was the moment I gave myself up completely.

I can't really describe what I felt when the joint had an effect on me. I started to laugh hysterically. Hiro had a disgusted look, and I thought it was very funny. I hugged him and begged him to forgive me. But he just tried to calm me; I must have been very noisy, although inside the club it was noisy also.

I caught my breath and became silent. I watched Hiro, who had a worried look on me now. I don't know why, but I just wanted to hug him at that moment, and I did.

He was confused, but then took me into his tight embrace.

Hiro will always be by my side. I know this and I knew in that moment I was high. I did not want to let him go, but after a few minutes, he let me go.

"Promise me not to do something like this again!"

I started giggling again and nodded, although I really enjoyed the view of my new world. Everything was okay; there was nothing I had to worry about. I did not even think about Yuki and how angry he was when I left.

And I really don't know what it was we argued about.

Besides, I got on Hiros nerves, as I was just laughing and giggling all the time. I'm terribly childish when I'm drunk, but this was, in fact, a new side of Shindou Shuichi. I liked it, but Hiro preferred the other one.

I turned around, Masami and the other guys had already left, well, let's say I couldn't figure out where they were. But later, Hiro told me Masami had offered me a few more puffs from his join, so that was reason I became so irritated in my head.

But I really liked it.

As I said, everything was okay. I liked myself, I loved Hiro more than ever and I loved the world. Of course, I still loved Yuki, and I stopped being mad at him.

On our way home Hiro had to help me going. My legs started shaking and I became really tired.

I swear I still had a smile on my lips when I drifted into sleep.

Had the world been a wonderful place at night, everything turned into the opposite the next morning. I woke up with a terrible headache and my throat felt dry and ached, too. I was stilled dressed like the night before, which meant Hiro himself had been to drunk to change my clothes.

When I headed into the bathroom I thought my head would burst. But unfortunately it didn't. I had a long hot shower and when I left the bathroom I just felt a little better. Hiro was downstairs; he read the newspaper and sipped on his cup of tea.

I placed myself on the chair next to him, murmuring some words I didn't understand myself. Hiro was not smiling as usual, he just watched my with a suspicious look.

"So, good morning!" he greeted me and I looked up to meet his eyes. He looked tired, too, but he was used to drink.

I just nodded, which was my way to say "Hello" on that morning.

It was only when I started to dress myself that Hiro broke the silence.

"Now promise me, Shuichi, that you will never do such a stupid thing like yesterday again!"

I was confused, because I did not really understand what he meant.

"Not to do a stupid thing like what?" I asked him innocently. That's it, maybe I can still seem innocent.

I know Hiro wants to think of me as an innocent cutie.

"You can't even remember?" He shook his head and sighed.

"I thought that would happen. We met some silly guys and one of them offered you a joint. And you took it!"

I knew he would blame me for this. My cheeks turned a light colour of red and I turned around.

"Oh, that thing…" I stuttered and turned around again to meet Hiros look.

"I promise!" I whispered and smiled. And so was he.

I was about to leave when Hiro gripped me wrist and hugged me. I kissed his cheek and stared into his eyes.

"I promise, Hiro. You know me, don't you?"

And with these words I left him to go home. Home to Yuki. I thought he had probably even not noticed that I was gone over night.

He was sitting, of course, in his office, typing at his latest novel, which I knew was reaching the end. Maybe after that he would decide to share more time with me.

"Yuki, tadaima!" I said my voice huskily.

Yuki, oh my beautiful Yuki, appeared in the living room and he looked really bored.

"Home again, baka?" he growled and went over to the kitchen.

Everything had been so wonderful that night.

"Where have you been, over Hiroshis'?" he asked and I could hear that he had indeed been worried about me. I smiled.

"Yes…sort of…" I said and followed him into the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow.

"And that means?"

I opened the refrigerator and took out a Pepsi. Yuki stared at me and suddenly pulled me nearer to him. He sniffed at my clothes and I knew he would smell it.

"Where have you been? You smell like smoke, whiskey and some other things I don't want to name them. Go and change your clothes!" he murmured and went back into his office.

I took a sip from my soda and did what I was told.

I watched myself in the mirror and compared my look now with the one of yesterday. Well, the day before I knew I looked much better. Like everything.

I sighed and walked over to the wardrobe when I heard Yukis voice behind me.

"You're sighing and complaining too much, Shuichi."

He smiled and took a few steps into my direction. He ran his thumb over my lips, brushed my cheek with his lips and finally kissed me.

It was a sweet kiss and I was willed to open my mouth to him so that he could push his tongue inside of me.

I hoped this moment to last forever, but soon as I wished for it, Yukis hands slid down on my sides, over my back and stopped when they reached my buttocks.

He lifted me up, gripped my ass-cheeks and brought me to the bed – our bed.

I can tell you, he was horny. And me as well.

And he fucked me like an animal, wild and passionate. This is Yukis simple way to say "sorry". Never breaking the eye contact he slammed into me, pushing his tongue into my mouth until both of us needed air.  
He can be gentle during sex, and I like that, too. But sometimes it's good to know he is still turned on by me.

After we had sex, Yuki smoked. He prefer to do this, I never understand why he does. But he says a cigarette after having fun is always the best. As I hate it when he smokes in our bedroom I stood up to open the window.  
I did not believe that a simple cigarette could have the same effect as the joint I smoked at night. For my first time. I should be embarrassed because I did something stupid. I knew drugs were dangerous. But I did not think of the joint as something bad.  
I shook my head and went to bed again.  
"What?" Yuki asked, sounding tired.  
But I said nothing and he didn't mind. Maybe he was glad about the fact I stayed silent. Short after that he went into the bathroom and had a shower.  
My head was still aching and I drifted into sleep.  
I was out of interest for Yuki when he started to work on his novel again.

A week was gone without Yuki and me fighting too heavy to break up for one night again. And I didn't even think about that shitty joint. I had it done once and I believed in me not to do it again.  
But when I was on my way to NG I smelled a now known thing again and stopped. There were a few boys hanging around on the street. And I could smell they wore smoking this shit.   
I don't know why, but my feet moved to there and soon I stood in front of the boys. They looked up and seemed to be confused.   
"What do you want, guy?" one of them asked. I didn't even know by myself what I wanted from them.  
I just grinned and held my hand out.  
"Could you give me a smoke, too?"

Dear god, I don't know what was crossing my mind on those days!  
I acted like a teenager, was bouncing around, and if I was not bouncing around, I was a little sunshine all the time at the studio.  
Hiro thought Yuki was very kind to me and did not think about something bad could have happened.  
Suguru was pissed of like always, but I was not interested in him or his thoughts.  
I loved the feeling of walking on clouds, of being enveloped in something soft. I looked miserable when I came home.  
But Yuki was busy with his damn novel. And each evening he sat in his office to finish his work, I went on the balcony and smoked.  
Well, I was not that stupid to let Yuki know I was doing something like this. I always went to have a shower and never wore the same clothes twice.  
Besides, I always pretend to sleep when he came in the bedroom.  
It made me sick. It made me sick he did not have time for me and was still writing his novel. I knew his editor told him to be not too short with this novel and so he had to create new ideas.  
And on these days Yuki was in a bad mood. So I started, again, to feel alone. And I could not always go to Hiro. I thought he would be pissed off soon. And he was never able to say something new, he was used to repeat the same things over and over again.

I hated the boy I saw in the mirror.  
Yuki even did not want to have sex with me. I always thought sex was the thing he liked best on our relationship. Sometimes I felt I could only be near him while making love. Sometimes he was so far away from me.  
I was afraid of Yuki lost his desire in me.

Hiro was getting suspicious, but I told him it had something to do with Yuki.  
I told him he was not interested in me, because his editor and fans seemed more important to him.  
"You know me, I cry all the time and Yuki don't even notice. I'm always asleep when he comes to bed and when I wake up, he had left earlier than me. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really slept beside me."  
This was even not a lie. I cried and I did not really talk much with Yuki. I spent most of the time with my new friend. Although I was running out of pot, I still kept enough for that day.

"Why did you not come over to tell me like usual?"  
Hiro had his worried look again and I felt sorry for him. I did not want to feel him bad just because of me.  
"I don't want to get on your nerves all the time. You have to live your own life…"  
I was sure he did not really take that as an excuse, but he stayed silent and concentrated on our song again.  
I was awful, I knew that. I looked tired and my voice was tired, too.   
I felt like shit when I came home.  
"Yuki?" No answer. But that did not mean Yuki was not at home. Sometimes he simply didn't answer me. His office was left alone, he did not sleep in our bedroom and the kitchen was empty, too.  
I became frightened and saw pictures of Yuki screwing a sexy women in a cheap hotel room on my mind. I choked, my heart racing. That could not be possible. I knew Yuki loved to flirt with girls and women, but he never had in mind to end up sleeping with them.  
But what if his mind had changed or if he lied on me? What if he preferred to fuck bodies with tits and a clit?  
"No, no, no…" I talked to myself while I was searching for my beloved pot. I bit my lip, because it seemed to be nearly the last one. But I didn't care now, I had to calm myself down.  
I hoped Yuki would not cheat on me.

After the smoke went through my lungs and outside again, I felt the dizziness coming over me. I started to smile, threw the rest of the wanna-be-cigarette from the balcony and sank down on the bed.  
That felt much better…I thought for the first moment but then suddenly one thought rushed again through my brain: Yuki is screwing a girl instead of you!  
I raise up, rubbing my eyes and I started to shake.  
"No, he's not, he is not" I spoke to myself again and began to sweat.   
I could hear the blood running through my veins, my eyes jumped to twice the size and I had to catch my breath.

Far away I could hear the bell ring. I needed a few minutes to realise somebody was waiting at our door. I stumbled through the bedroom, crossing the living room and finally arrived the door.  
"Yuki?" I blinked my eyes and could not realise why Yuki stood in front of me. Did he forget his keys?  
"Why don't you use your keys?" I asked dumbly and started to laugh when I saw how confused Yuki was.  
"Are you all right?" he asked and stepped in.  
I answered him with a nod and curled my arms around his neck.  
"I miiiiiiissssssssed you, Yuki!" I squeaked and kissed his lips hysterically. He did not seem too impressed by it and I started to use my tongue to open his mouth for me.  
After a few moments of desperate trying to lock Yuki into a passionate and hot kiss he gave in and opened his mouth for me.  
It felt odd, Yuki did not taste like Yuki usually tasted. But I was sure it was because of the pot that my taste had changed.  
I led him into the bedroom and was a little bit confused when Yuki paused for a moment.  
"You really want to do that?" He raised his eyebrow and gave me a confused look again.  
I smiled devilishly and nodded, sank down into the pillows of the bed and purred  
"Come here and take me!"  
I began to unbutton my shirt and it made me even hotter to see Yuki stripping slowly from his clothes.  
Suddenly he was above me, kissing my neck, licking down my chest with his tongue. That tickled and I started to giggle.

I kept my eyes closed while he was fucking my body, rough and raw, without being interested in if I enjoyed it, too. Maybe he thought of punishing me for being such a bad lover.  
"That's a…" he panted "lovely view of you, Shuichi, seeing my cock slipping in and out of your…hot ass…" He gripped my hips and flipped me on my back again.  
That was the moment I decided to open my eyes and stiffened in shock when I recognised the person who was screwing me into the mattress.  
"Tatsuha!" I hissed and threw my head back into the pillow as he started to pound harder and faster into me.  
I felt sore and I wanted to cry. How could I believe it was Yuki? I felt my cheeks getting wet and deep inside I was hoping it would be over soon.  
Tatsuha suddenly gripped my chin and made me looking into his eyes when he came. He looked funny at that moment, but I had no reason and intention to laugh.  
It was just the moment I sighed in relief when Tatsuha pulled out of me, I could hear the real Yuki entering the bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I stared at Yuki who was staring back at Tatsuha and me. It was too late to deny the fact I have slept with his brother.  
Yuki said nothing, he even didn't move. And I knew that was the sign Yuki was angry like hell! I was afraid of moving. Tatsuha was just laughing.  
"Hey brother, wanna join us?" Tatsuha lifted himself off the bed and searched for his boxers.  
Silence.  
"That means no, I think!" he babbled and chuckled one more time.  
"Out!" was all I could hear Yuki say. Tatsuha looked up and did not understand what his brother wanted him to do.  
"Wha…?"  
"OUT!" Yuki shouted and I could see his eyes wild. He was very upset. I never expected him to be that angry just because he found me in bed with someone else.  
Tatsuha even did not get the time to get dressed; Yuki threw him and his clothes out of our home and shut the door loudly. His brother was whining, but Yuki showed no interest in that.  
While Tatsuha was kicked out I slipped into my boxers and a shirt. I shuddered, afraid of what was about to come. Yuki would shout at me, he certainly would hit me this time!  
"So…" he said and avoided to sit next to me on the bed. I stiffened and slowly turned my head to the side to face Yuki.  
"It's come to this. I walk out for a meeting with my editor and the little slut has nothing better to do than screwing around with my dear brother." He chuckled and met my eyes.  
"How dare you, brat, to do it with him in here" he hissed and I closed my eyes.  
I swallowed hard. That was not fair!  
"You always cheat on me and now it's a big thing to deal with the fact Tatsuha fucked me?"  
I knew it was a fault to say that. I whined when he gripped my wrists, making me look into his eyes. He was so angry and – hurt?  
"I cheat on you? I CHEAT on you?" he screamed and pushed me on the bed.  
"It would have been better for me if I never let such a damn and stupid brat like you being a part of my life!" He shouted and tightened his grip.  
"It would have been better for me NOT to stop cheating on you! What was that for, tell me, you little whore!"  
I tried to crawl away from him, but he was too strong. My fear grew and I started to cry again. Yuki calmed down when he saw me crying.  
"I'm…I'm sorry, Yuki!" I sobbed. "I thought he was you!"  
I felt his grip loosen and used the chance to crawl away from him.  
"Really!" I said and hugged myself.  
He stayed silent and the only thing I could hear were my cries and sobs.  
"Go" he suddenly broke the silence. "Go away; I don't want to see your face right now. Just leave me alone!"  
He left the bedroom without looking back at me.  
I sighed and got dressed. He wanted me to leave again, so I had to go.  
I hoped he could forgive me.

I didn't want to tell Hiro I was kicked out again. I didn't even want to tell him the reason why. For the first time I thought Yuki was right to be mad with me.  
And Tatsuha had not been very gently, so I felt sore back there.  
So I could not go to Hiro, where else could I go? I felt terrible, sad and depressed. I needed something to cheer me up.  
Suddenly I stopped. When I looked up I saw where my feet had brought me to.  
It was the club Hiro and I had been in a week ago.  
I hesitated, but than decided to go in. Really, I had no idea what I wanted to do there, but soon as I had entered the club I saw Masami. He smiled and gave me a sign to join him and his friends.  
It was an odd feeling to be there alone, without Hiro, and I knew it would get worse when I stayed there.  
But I didn't leave the club. Instead I smiled back at Masami and made up my way to him and his friends.

"Hey you, did you enjoy yourself the last time?"  
I nodded and looked into his eyes. He was taller than me, which was, in fact, nothing new to me. I am small and tiny. Maybe that's why I often look so innocent and cute. But I hated it.  
Well, I hoped Masami could help me feel better, although I had no idea how he could manage that.  
When he handed me a joint, I shook my head, making him confused with that.  
"No" I said "Can't you give me something better than this? It doesn't help me feel good anymore!"  
I swallowed because I felt the tears coming up in my eyes again. But I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to be the weak little Shuichi. Not in front of him.  
A smirk appeared on his lips and he nodded.  
"Of course I have. The thing is: Can you handle it?"  
What did he think of me? Did the think I was a stupid little child?  
It must have been written all over my face and maybe he tried not to upset me. He took my hand and I followed him into the crowd of dancing people.  
He took me to the men's closet and my heart started to beat faster. What did he plan to do? He made sure there was nobody else inside, than reached into the pocket of his trousers and gave me a little package with white powder in it.  
"What is it?" I asked and noticed that I was indeed innocent to all those stupid things that had to do with drugs.  
He smiled and took a step forward.  
"This is white gold, the best friend for anybody who wants to be successful. And you are successful, aren't you?"  
He turned around and went over to the mirror to look inside and he started to wash his hands.  
So he knew me. He knew me as Shindou Shuichi, vocalist of Bad Luck.  
"So you want to feel better, then take this. It will help you feel much better!" He chuckled and turned around to face me.  
"But if you want to take it, let's think about the price?"

I bit my lip as I was not sure if I wanted this whole thing to continue. What if he just wanted to blackmail me? I could see it clearly in my mind, the newspapers and magazines would be grateful to get a story like that!  
My thoughts were interrupted, when Misami stumbled and started to laugh.  
"Take it as a gift!"  
He started to laugh hysterically and stroked back his hair. Even then I noticed the strange look in his eyes. He was absolutely high. And I was sure he would not remember our conversation the next day.  
So I took the little package and left the closet, but I swear I could still hear Misami laughing when I walked right into the crowd of dancing people again.

I stood there in the crowd, unsure what to do next. One of Masami's friends picked me up and guided me to another corner of the club. We sat down and the guy smiled like an idiot.  
"D'you wanna join us, little girl?"  
Girl? Did he say girl? I just wanted to shout at him, damn, I was a guy! Wasn't it obvious?  
But on second thought it would not have been that bad to make this idiot think I was a girl. So I said nothing, instead I nodded.  
He put out a package which looked similar to the one Masami gave me. I stiffened and followed every move of the guy. He took out something that looked like a razor and a small plate. He opened the little package and put some of the powder onto the plate. I had to pay attention to the steps.  
He took the razor and cut the powder into lines. When he lifted his head he smiled at me and the other guy next to him.  
The last thing he took out from his pocket was a short straw; he lowered his head again and sniffed. The first line disappeared and wandered into his nose, and the smile on his lips made me shudder.  
I watched the other guy doing the same thing and after a few seconds both of them relaxed and looked satisfied.  
"It's your turn now, little lady!" He grinned and gave me the straw.  
I took a disgusted look onto the straw and shook my head.  
"Just put the straw into your nose, girl. It's not an art and you don't have to push the straw inside completely!"   
The other guy started to laugh and I felt very uncomfortable with the situation.  
"Come on, just do it. You will feel much better afterwards." He lowered his voice. "I promise!"

I closed my eyes and slowly took the straw into my hand. I decided to revolve the straw, so I was able to avoid the contact with the touched end of it.  
I lowered my head and carefully sniffed through the straw till the snow flew into my nose. It was a strange feeling and I did not really like it.  
But suddenly the snow entered my body, was mixed with my blood and made me see stars. I threw my head back and groaned which was the reason the guys started to laugh again.

I felt strong, I felt gorgeous. The beats exclaiming from the music were crawling into my body. My heart began to beat faster and I just wanted to dance. Colours became brighter and I wanted to touch the stars I could see. It was fascinating!  
Instead I touched the other guy's face and he gently kissed the back of my hand. I giggled and lifted myself up from the seat.  
My eyes became wide and I had a smile on my face.  
I turned around and pulled the other guy to me.  
"Let's dance!" I shouted and pulled him on the dance floor with me. My feet moved automatically, my entire body shook in excitement and I hugged the other guy.  
He just laughed and pulled me near; my hips were stroking his, so he had to figure out that I was a guy. But he didn't care. I don't believe he really noticed it.  
The music was loud, I felt dazzled from the disco lights but that all didn't really matter. All that mattered was the fact I felt good. I just wanted to hug the whole world – instead I hugged the guy again.  
My body was pressed against the other and our breaths became flatter and quicker.  
My eyes widened in shock when suddenly the guy started to kiss me. I didn't want that to happen. But I felt so loved, I felt so adored and I could not allow my hand to push him away.  
It was hot and when both of us lacked for air, I sighed in frustration.  
"Let's get away from here!" he proposed. "I know a better place to stay. If you know what I mean…"  
He smirked while his hands were straddling my arms. And now it was me who started to laugh. I took a few steps away from him. What would he say when he found out he was going to fuck a man?  
I turned around and left him on the dance floor.  
I decided to enjoy myself now. Alone. Without a companion.  
I noticed the others looking at me, but it just encouraged me more. I was dancing the whole night.  
And I felt gorgeous!

I left the club about 5 in the morning and all I wanted to do was sleeping. I was not sure if Yuki would let me in, but suddenly I recognized that I stood in front of his door. I moaned and searched for the keys in my jacket pocket.  
Tired like I was, I fell into the room and broke down on the couch. I fell asleep immediately.

"I told you not to come here again, brat." I could hear his voice through my slumber and moved a bit. I could hardly open my eyes, so I blinked a few times to notice I was watched by the eyes of my lover.  
I thought it was better to stay in silence.  
"Where have you been? You did not stay at Hiros', did you?"  
"Oh…well…How did you know that?" My voice was huskily and when I moved my entire body ached. I hissed and bit my lip, Yuki looked worried.  
"What did you do last night, brat?" Yuki shook his head and placed a cup of tea on the table in front of me. I was too lazy to move.  
"I called your stupid friend, but he told me you were not there. So call him and tell him you are fine, he was worried about you."  
With these words Yuki left me alone on the couch. He did not say anything about the incident with Tatsuha.  
I tried to relax, but I couldn't. I felt guilty. And I was guilty, indeed. My own stupidity had brought me into the situation. My gaze trailed over to the clock and I moaned. I had only slept for three hours. My legs and feet were aching like hell. And I had a debt feeling.  
Yuki had started to work and I decided not to get on his nerves. I was certain he was still upset because of Tatsuha although he wanted to avoid a discussion about it.

Now Yuki knew I was not that innocent and he believed I did it with Tatsuha in full knowledge that it was not him I was sleeping with. But he also believed Tatsuha had enticed the stupid little brat I was. Later he decided it had been a weak moment of mine.  
When Yuki offered me something to eat I told him I was not hungry.  
And then he did not waste his breath to talk much to me. I fell asleep on the couch again while he was watching TV and when I woke up, Yuki was gone and I was still on the sofa. I thought I had to deal with the fact he did not want to have me in his bed.

The following week Hiro really got on my nerves with his questions. K was the silly manager he used to be and Suguru was pissed off like always.  
Sometimes I asked myself why he still wanted to be a part of Bad Luck.  
We had to produce a new single which meant I had to think about a new song. And that meant I had to think about lyrics.  
Ah, I know, it's nothing I'm really good at, but somebody has to write the songs. And this somebody was me.   
Yuki still did not intend to talk much to me and I had to stay on the sofa at night, but I though I could handle the situation.  
The things could not get worse.

But finally I remembered the beautiful snow inside my pocket. I had taken good care of it so Yuki did not find it. I smiled when I took the package out of its hiding place. There it was. The key to my new success. I remembered the good feeling, the wonderful power that had run through my veins.  
I wanted to become stronger, I wanted to be successful again. I wanted Yuki stop being mad with me, I wanted Hiro to stop his questions.  
I was tired of the person I was. I could not longer stand the person who was staring back at me when I watched into the mirror.  
I wanted to be happy again.  
Really.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Shall I say that Suguru was still pissed off? I don't know what I have to do to see this strange guy smiling.  
But he was satisfied when he noticed that the song was not that bad. Indeed, it was full of happiness and power.  
It was like me.  
I felt like nobody in the world could beat me. I was smiling all the time, cheerful like I used to be. Not that moody me I had been the past months.  
My voice was strong and powerful and I saw how much Hiro liked it. I did not hope anymore, I knew the new single would be sold out very quickly. I smiled at my best friend and finished the song. K nodded and gave me a sign everything was perfect.  
"I have to tell Yuki how successful we were today! It is sooooo good, isn't it? I'm sure our fans will love the new single. So we have to think early about a new album and the new songs. I'm sure you want me to write the lyrics, oh, no problem guys, I would love to thin about new lyrics…"   
"At first: Do you really think Yuki-san is interested in our new single? And second: Do you believe we really prefer you to write our lyrics?"  
Suguru looked bored when I looked at hhim.  
"A baby like you should not talk to the star of this band like that!" I spit the words at him and smiled. "Who are you without me, tell me?"  
He preferred to turn his head; I knew he could not stand my gaze and words any longer. Hiro took my arm.  
"What's gotten into you, Shuichi? Why are you this aggressive?"  
I started to giggle.  
"Oh, I'm not the one aggressive in here. But our baby should think about who he is talking with!"  
"And you better think about who produces this shit with you!" Oh, Suguru wanted to show us how brave he was. "Without Tohma you would be nothing!"   
I narrowed my eyes and took in a deep breath to answer this stupid comment, but it was K who interrupted me now.  
"Cool down, cool down, guys. There's no need to start arguments now. Let's go and celebrate your new single!"  
I stared at Suguru who looked away from me. I shook my head.  
"No. I'm not. Go on, guys, and celebrate my success. I'm going home now…"  
"Shuichi!" Hiro called out my name, but I didn't turn around. I just wanted to leave them now.

Suguru was just a stupid idiot – I told me over and over again when I headed to the men's restroom.  
I just wanted to go home now. I wanted to hug Yuki, see his beautiful face and his bored look although I knew he didn't mean it like that.  
I wanted to kiss him, to feel the soft lips of my loved one. I needed him so much.  
And at last I wanted to sleep with me. He still avoided touching me where I wanted it. And I was fed up to sleep on the couch.  
After two weeks without sex my libido was going to kill me and I hoped Yuki did not help himself otherwise.  
I hurried to open the package and put the snow onto the plate. I didn't waste time to pull out the straw from my bag, so I decided to sniff it immediately.  
I let out a satisfied moan when the cocaine rushed through my veins, spreading out into my body and into my head.   
Carefully I put the things back into my bag. The whole world was shining when I stepped out the building of NG-records. I chose to take a taxi; I wanted to get home as fast as I could. And after about 15 very funny minutes with a very funny cab driver I stood in front of the house.  
I just had to go in, but that was not that easy. I was horny like hell and I knew I would jump Yuki immediately when I saw him!  
I fumbled for the keys and opened the door with shaky hands. I ran into the elevator and stepped from one foot to the other. Time seemed to sneak and I wanted to scream that everything should hurry up.  
Finally I arrived at the floor I knew Yuki was waiting for me. Well, let's say where I hope he would wait for me.  
I hurried to find the key, the door flew open and Yuki stood in front of me.  
"What the hell are you doing here so damn early?" he growled and looked into my big eyes.  
I pressed myself against his body and closed the door with a loud thud. He knew what I wanted now.  
"Oh, not now, you moron. Deadline is at the end of the week and I have to think about three new chapters."  
I shook my head and pulled him nearer, sliding my arms around his neck and breathed against his lips.  
"No more words now, Yuki. I need you. I want you to fuck me, I'm horny and I won't let you go till you gave it to me." I smiled while my tongue started to flick around his earlobe, which I knew was his week spot. He moaned and tried to push me away from him, but I only pressed my body tighter against his.  
"No, Yuki. Please make me yours again. I need you and I can't bear it anymore to be rejected by you!"  
I nipped his ear and noticed his breath quickened. I withdraw from his weak spot and decided to lock him into a tender kiss.  
Finally he opened his mouth, pushed his tongue into my mouth and tasted me. I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning full into the kiss. Yukis hands slid over my body, on my back and grabbed my buttocks.  
I threw my head back and moaned out loud.  
"Bed!" I ordered and Yuki grinned devilishly. Without breaking the passionate kiss we stumbled into the bedroom.

(If you want to read this part, please send me an e-mail )

My heart was racing and all my senses were focused on the man I loved.  
"I love you so much!" I whispered and fell next to him on the bed. He pulled me into his embrace and gave me a quick kiss on my forehead.  
"What happened to you to be that furious?" He tried to catch his breath and so was me.  
I did not answer his question. It would have been idiotic to tell him my little secret. Now I was sure he would let me sleep in our bed without complaining.   
He looked very sexy when he was exhausted, but after a short break we did it again. And again. It was such a good feeling to be so alive!

After a night full of passion and love everything turned back into normal the next day. Yuki was moody and had his usual headache. He had lost a whole day to write at his novel and he put the blame on me.  
There was still no word left because of the incident with Tatsuha and it made me sad that Yuki did not really care about me.  
I loved him so much. But now he was focused on his work, and I had my day off.  
I called Hiro and asked him if he would like to go to the club with me, again. And Hiro would not have been Hiro if he had said no.  
I wrote a note for Yuki and got dressed. Slutty, like Yuki preferred to say, but he was so busy with typing I was glad he did not notice how I left our home.  
"Where are you going tonight, Shuichi?"  
Hiro greeted me with a big smile on his face.  
"I thought we'd go out so I dressed myself a bit…let's say generous!"  
Hiro laughed and I placed myself behind him on his motorcycle. He felt warm and good. Everything I loved about him. He was my best friend, a little bit curios, but after all he was the person I knew I could count on always.  
"Are you ready?" he asked and turned the motor on. I nodded, although I knew he could not see it.  
"Of course, I'm fine! Let's celebrate a bit!"  
To be honest, I wanted to go to this club with him to see Masami or his friends again. I was running out with cocaine and I needed something to cheer me up.  
I just wanted to keep it till I felt bad again.

Unfortunately one of Masami's strange friends was around. I think he was called Sawada or something like that. I told Hiro to wait for me at the bar. He trusted me, so it was no problem to disappear in the crowd.  
My eyes immediately saw the guy in the corner. I smiled and hoped he would see me. I can tell you, he was totally high when I joined him and Masami.  
"Hey you…" Masami smiled and gave me a sign to sit down. I preferred not to sit down, as I did not want to spend the whole night with them.  
"It's very early for this, isn't it?" I asked, a bit insecure to the whole situation. Masami chuckled and gripped my wrist.  
"What do you want" he looked at me and grinned "Little slut?" he added and I could feel the other guy watching me with predatory eyes.  
I swallowed and decided to stop being the weak Shindou Shuichi.  
"I'll pay you if you give me some of the…stuff!"  
Masamis look changed immediately.  
"Just tell me how much?" I smiled seriously. Suddenly Masami made me sit on his lap and I blushed. His mouth brushed my lips and he wandered to my ear.  
"It's not that cheap you think it is. But because it's you I'll give it to you for 6.500 Yen."  
I swallowed, but than nodded.  
"But you know" he continued "From one of those packages" he showed me one of it and put it into my hand "you can only get 3 lines. Think of it!"  
He gave me a quick kiss on my lips and I lifted myself off of his body. I searched for the money and sighed.  
"Here you are…" I wanted to walk away from them, but Masami did not loosen his grip on my wrist. I tried to pull away, but he just laughed.  
"Come, sit here. For a proper kiss you can get one line for free."  
I shook my head.  
"No thanks…" but he did not let me go.  
"Just think of the pleasure you get when you take a line. And it doesn't cost you anything." He lowered his voice and tried to calm me when he was brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.  
I sighed. And I don't know why I nodded and letting him lift up my chin to meet his eyes. I felt his lips brushing over mine and slowly he covered my mouth with his own.  
It was an odd feeling when he pushed his tongue inside me. He did not taste good, like an ashtray to be honest.  
Well, Yuki is a smoker, too, but he never tastes that bad, he is still nice and tasty.  
I tried not to look too disgusted but I sighed in relief when he let me go.  
He looked satisfied and prepared the cocaine on the plate. He cut the powder into three lines and I was allowed to take the first one.  
I had to hurry up, because Hiro was still waiting. And I had no idea how long I had been away from him. I lowered my head and sniffed quickly, feeling the wonderful power overwhelming my mind and my body.  
"Yes…" I hissed and closed my eyes in ecstasy. "Thanks a lot!"  
I pushed myself up and ran into the crowd again, not looking back at Masami and his silly friend.  
Hiro still sat on the bar, locked in a conversation with a good looking girl.  
"Ah, Shuichi!" He had noticed me immediately. I brushed over my nose again to make sure there was nothing Hiro could get suspicious about.  
"Sorry!" I squeaked "It took longer than I thought!" I squeezed my eyes and tried to look innocent like Hiro loved me.  
"But if you don't mind, I'd love to dance now. But I see you are in good company." I started to laugh, maybe a bit too loud, but Hiro did not mind. He felt insecure for a moment, but then nodded.  
"Okay, I'll join you in a few minutes!"

I can't remember when Hiro joined me on the dance floor; I just wanted that feeling to last longer. I knew the cocaine would not last too long, but I still hold all the power inside of me. And my feet moved and moved and didn't want to stop moving.  
My head was full of excitement for the flashing lights on the dance floor and I started to laugh when I concentrated on them too much.  
Hiro became tired and went back to the bar. I joined him because I became thirsty.  
"Shu-chan…" he whined "Can we go now? We're here for hours now and you must be tired of dancing..."  
I just grinned.  
"I'm not tired. I want to move all night long."  
He moaned. "Come on, Shuichi, think about it. I'm certain Yuki is worried about you. Let's go home now."  
I took a deep sip of my soda and sighed. Maybe it was not good to make Hiro waiting any longer.  
"Okay…Maybe you're right. But next time you have to stay with me there" I pointed to the dance floor "a bit longer, okay?"  
He rolled his eyes, but nodded. I could feel how glad he was to be outside of the club, when he sat down on his motorcycle.  
"Do you really want to drive, Hiro? I suppose you are tired?" He shook his head.  
"I can try to call Yuki, maybe he wants to go inside of the club, then I could dance the whole night long. But on second thought maybe it's not a good idea. He worked on his novel the whole day, so he must be very tired, too. But I can try to call him so he can pick me up. You don't have to drive me home!"

"Shuichi, stop your stupid talking!"  
I turned around and faced Yuki who climbed out of his car. He stepped forward and enlarged the distance between him and me.  
"Come home now, you see Nakano's tired, don't you?" Hiro yawned and nodded.  
"I am. So take him home now, Yuki-san. It was not that easy to get him out of this club." He pointed to the entrance.  
I could feel more than ever that both of them did not like each other. And I don't really know why!  
Yuki murmured something that sounded like "Thanks" and "Bye" when he pulled me into his car.

"You are always so mean to Hiro!" I cried when Yuki turned the motor on.  
"Am I?" he asked emotionless and I bit my lip.  
"Yes, you are. And I don't like how you look at him. You know Hiro's my best friend, why do you always treat him like that. He did not do anything wrong to you, so what's the reason you don't like him? I cannot understand both of you. You both like me, so what? Why can't you just be kind to another?"  
Yuki rolled his eyes.  
"I never said I liked you"  
My eyes widened and I thought I had to cry. But I didn't. Maybe I became used to the fact Yuki would never admit true feelings for me. But although I could not cry, I noticed something break deep inside of me.  
"How can you say that to the person who loves you most…" was the only thing I replied. Yuki answered something, but I did not listen to him anymore.  
All I wanted to do was crawling under the bed sheets and never waking up again.

I really tried not to touch the package Masami gave me. I was successful the next few days. I hoped Yuki would tell me he didn't mean the words he told me in the car. But he didn't. He slept with me and nothing more.  
He woke up early in the morning and decided to concentrate on his work. Can you believe it? He just finished his damn novel and his editor wanted him to start typing again for the next one.  
I hated it. I could not understand why Yuki did not want a short break. I proposed him to go on a trip with me over the weekend, but he told me he did not want to go on a short holiday with me.  
But I didn't cry. And Yuki started to think I was acting weird.  
Instead of crying I decided one night to help my luck coming back to me.  
It lasted four days without touching the damn cocaine. But after Yuki told me he preferred to stay at home and work instead of having a nice time with me, I thought this step would be the best.  
I wanted him to look at me; I wish I could say him  
"Look, I can be happy without you! And it doesn't matter to me what you say or think about me!"

And so the misery started.  
I was fond of the moments Yuki went out for a meeting with his editor or buying cigarettes. These were the moments I could dive in a wonderful world of happiness and joy. A world where Shindo Shuichi wasn't the stupid little brat, the innocent best friend of a guitarist, the bad lyric writer!  
No, the bad times were over.  
My mind created wonderful ideas, words escaped my mind and I wrote them down, over and over again. Some really made sense.  
"Aren't you getting tired of this? It's two o'clock in the morning…" Yuki yawned and went into the kitchen. I ignored him.  
"I'm talking to you, baka!" He touched my shoulder and I shuddered.  
"What's wrong with you?"  
I did not want to look up. I was too afraid Yuki could notice the change in my eyes.  
"Nothing, I just want to finish this. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch; I don't want to disturb your important sleep."  
I heard Yuki sighing when he sat down on the sofa.  
"Come on, brat. You can't be awake the whole night. You have to go to work tomorrow, don't you?"  
I nodded.  
"Then go to bed…" I did not move, I didn't even turn around to face him. I stared down at my notes.  
"Baka!" Yuki snorted and disappeared in the bedroom.  
Suddenly I felt teardrops falling from my eyes.  
It was good Yuki could not see them. I did not want him to see me crying anymore.

The next day I stepped inside the studios of NG-records and started a fight with Suguru again. But then I calmed down and showed Hiro and him the new lyrics I wrote.  
Suguru did not like it, but he never like things I write. But it did not matter to me. Who was he to tell me my lyrics were not good enough?  
"Come on, little baby, be proud of having a vocalist like me! Just smile, Fujisaki. It doesn't hurt to smile!"  
Hiro grinned.  
"I think these are not that bad, Suguru-kun. Just try, I'm sure Shuichi will be right. Look, our latest song was sold out after one day. So just trust him. Shuichi knows what he does!"  
I bit my lip. Hiro trusted me so much that it hurt. He did not have a clue what was going on inside of me.  
And, do you believe it, after we repeated the song over and over again, Suguru began to say it was good!  
The stupid boy, of course it was good!  
I felt tired and asked Hiro if he could drive me home. Of course he did, Hiro would never say no.

"Don't worry about me, I'm just tired. Yuki was mad with me yesterday because I did not want to go to bed. So I will go to sleep now. I'm not sure if Yuki's at home, so I probably get a rest."  
Hiro nodded, but than stopped me.  
"If anything is wrong, you can tell me!"  
I smiled.  
"I know, Hiro. And when something is wrong I will tell you. But everything is all right, I'm tired, that's all. I told you not to worry about me."  
He still looked unhappy.  
"Hey…you know me, don't you?"  
Slowly he nodded. Perfect.  
I could still feel his look on me till I entered the building.

I felt bad. I felt powerless.  
Yuki was not at home. I sighed in relief. I sat down on the kitchen table and prepared my "food".  
It tickled and I smiled. Now everything was going to be okay again. I threw my head back and started to laugh while tears build up in my eyes again.

I know it was stupid.  
And I think I knew it all the time how stupid it was to take drugs. And I know it had always been a lie that I just sniffed cocaine when I felt bad, because I felt bad all the time.

Even with a smile on my face and the funniest laughter on earth, I was sad.  
And I just wanted somebody to see the pain deep inside of me.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was a never ending circle.

First it was enough to get one line a day. But soon I figured out that just one was definitely not enough to satisfy me and my needs.

I remembered Masami's words and soon we saw each other twice a week.

He always smiled at me and he knew he made me sick every time I saw him and every time he gave me new powder. I thought he just wanted to destroy me. His smile always made me shivering. I hated the way he looked at me, the way he put the little pack into my hand. I paid without saying a word. And he just nodded.

It was easy to get to the club and back home without Yuki noticing the fact I went out without telling him. He was too busy with his work and his own life.

I stopped pretending to live a life together with Yuki, I could see it clearer every day. So I started to live my life and let Yuki live his.

It was not like I did not want the things to change, but I realized that it was never going to be the truth.

The day of our concert Yuki and I had a fight again and so I knew he would not come along to pick me up. But I knew Hiro would offer me a lift home, so I didn't really care about that.

Hiro told me I was starting to act emotionless but I ignored him. I did not have to be hurt all the time. Did he really think I was not able to change?

Before I could go on stage I needed refreshment. I avoided taking a look into the mirror. I hated to see my face; I did not want to see the person I turned into.

I locked myself in one of the closets and prepared my next line. I knew I was too weak to do the concert without the power of the wonderful white powder.

Suddenly I heard the door swung open and Hiro stepped inside.

"Shuichi? Come on, they're waiting for us. Everything and everybody is ready except of you! So come out now!"

Slowly I opened the door and stepped outside. It tried to avoid his gaze and instead I smiled.

"Then let's go!" I grinned and felt how well prepared I was to go on stage and rock the audience. But Hiro took my arm and made me stop. And I did a big mistake when I looked up into his eyes.

In shock he loosened his grip on my arm and I walked away.

I can still hear them cheering and screaming our names over and over again.

The whole show was fantastic, and I was fantastic, too. I was dancing and jumping on stage, my voice better than ever, a little huskily, but nevertheless sexy and seductive.

They all liked the new Shindou Shuichi, they all wanted to see more when I started to rip off my shirt. I touched my sensitive skin and smiled into the audience. I was hot inside and the touch on my skin burned and tickled. But they loved me, and that was all I wanted them to do.

I hated the moment I had to leave the stage, I felt strong and loved and all that left me when I stepped backstage. But we had done a very good job and it was getting late. I did not really want to go home as I knew Yuki would still be upset and I was too lazy to start discussing again.

When Suguru said goodbye I was left alone with Hiro.

"Can you drive me home? Yuki's mad with me, so I don't think he is waiting for me outside…"

Hiro said nothing; he was just staring at me.

"You did a very good job today, Shuichi!" he said slowly and then lifted himself off the chair.

"Thanks. The same to you!" I smiled and began to put my things into the bag.

"Shuichi" I turned my head and faced Hiro, who was looking very worried. "Please, tell me the truth. Is everything all right with you?"

Slowly I nodded.

"So you did not break your promise to stop smoking this shit?"

I felt so sorry deep inside. I did not have to lie on him; I was really saying the truth when I told him

"Of course not. What d'you take me for? Don't worry about me, I don't like joints anymore."

I tried to smile but my mission failed. Hiro shook his head.

"Really? Then why did you look like that before we started our concert? Shuichi…" He enlarged the distance between us. "Something is wrong with you, why don't you tell me?"

I giggled and hoped Hiro would still believe in my innocence.

"Oh Hiro, there was and is nothing wrong with me."

I swallowed hard and I think he noticed it. It hurt me to lie on him, because now I _had_ to lie on him. I could not tell him the truth. I thought he would not understand all those feelings and fears inside of me.

"Your eyes were telling another story" he added and looked down on me.

"Hiro, I swear, everything is all right. I don't know what happened to my eyes; maybe you just imagined there was something unreadable inside. You don't have to worry, really. If anything is turning into shit I'll let you know."

I smiled once again and it worked.

When I sat behind him on his motorcycle, millions of thoughts crossed my mind. It would hurt Hiro more if he'd know the truth than being left with lies.

I could barely understand myself, how could I tell anybody how I was feeling?

It felt like I was dying. Slowly and painful.

Like my spirit was fading away with each line of cocaine I took.

I hoped cocaine would help me to feel alive again. But it didn't. For a few moments it helped me to feel strong and genius, indeed, the intoxication was a wonderful and great feeling. But soon afterwards it brought me back into reality and things became worse than before.

I told Hiro thank you and a good night, then headed towards the building. I hoped Yuki was still writing or had gone to bed.

I tiptoed into the living room, but I could not hear Yuki typing. When I came closer to the door to his office I noticed the lights were shut. So he must have gone to bed. I sighed in relief and went into the bedroom.

There was Yuki. Sleeping like an angel. So I tried to be quiet. I did not want him to wake up, so I went slowly into the bathroom. When I came back the lights were on and Yuki leaned against the headboard. His eyes were focused on my body and I shuddered.

"I saw you on TV" he started and I thought he wanted to make fun of me again. I didn't say a thing when I climbed into the bed next to him, facing him with my back. I hoped he would understand.

I stiffened when I felt his bare chest pressing against my back, his breath next to my ear while his tongue was making its way to my earlobe. I sighed and did not move.

He wanted to have sex, but I didn't feel like wanting it. I felt exhausted all the time when I came home from work, my mind was lazy and my body, too. Yuki was angry with me, because I didn't want to sleep with him for weeks.

"You looked so damn sexy, d'you know that?" he whispered into my ear. His hands made their way over my stomach and between my legs. I felt his arousal through his clothes pressing against me.

"Ah…Yuki, not now…" I whined and turned on my back to face him. He climbed on top of me and ignored the meaning of my words.

"You became thinner…" he murmured while he licked and kissed down my chest.

"Yuki, I said I don't want to have sex now!" I tried again and he looked up into my eyes.

"How long are you going to tell me that? What's your problem?"

I sighed again and cupped his cheek with my hand.

"I'll stop telling you this when I really want to sleep with you."

He became angry again.

"Do you want to tell me that I'm not good in bed anymore; is that the reason why you stopped screaming and squeaking during sex? Do you prefer my brother to shove his dick into your ass? Tell me the reason, Shuichi!"

I bit my lip and shook my head.

"That's not true…" I whispered. "Go on…"

While he was slamming into me again and again, I wrapped my arms and legs around him, so I didn't had to look into his eyes. I cried. Silent, so I was sure he did not really notice.

Yuki did not last that long, he came with a low grunt and kissed me hungrily. I did not really respond to the kiss and sighed in relief when he pulled out.

He looked down on me while I was turning to the side, making him clear I did not want him to jerk me off. I just wanted to drift into sleep. I did not want to think of my sorrows.

I felt sorry, because I did not feel the desire inside of me anymore. Although Yuki still was good in bed and he was desirable!

Yuki placed himself behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me near.

That was the beginning of Yuki acting weird.

"Bad Luck's vocalist Shindou rocks Shibata Hall"

I smiled when I read the headline of the article about our concert. Yuki was yawning while he made coffee. He placed a cup and a plate in front of me.

"No thanks…" I murmured and pushed the plate away from me.

"You don't want to eat?" Yuki's voice was soft so I looked up and nodded.

"I'm not hungry, thank you…"

He murmured something that I didn't understand and sat down on his chair, still staring at me while he began to eat.

"What's wrong with you?" I shook my head.

"Nothing, I was just reading."

I finished the article and Yuki took the newspaper to have a look on the picture that was showing me.

"I see. You still act hyperactive and happy on stage, but when you're at home you always look depressed and sad."

I did not want to react; instead I took a sip from my mug.

"I ask you again: What's wrong with you, Shuichi?" I sighed.

"Nothing" I told him again and avoided to look him in the eyes. Now it was him who shook his head.

"I asked Tohma, but he told me he didn't notice you've changed much" he continued. "Maybe it's just me who's getting old and strange…"

I stayed silent again. Suddenly Yuki seemed to be worried about me. Strange thought of mine.

The sound of the telephone ringing broke the silence, Yuki moaned, but decided to answer the call. I could barely hear him say something, but I thought it was his editor again, which meant Yuki was going to disappear in his office for the rest of the day. When he returned I gave him an asking look.

"Hiroshi…" he murmured and sat back on his chair. I was waiting for any other comment, but Yuki finished his breakfast first.

"He just wanted to know if you are fine. And that I should take care of you."

"Aha? And that was all?" I could not believe that his reason to call was to tell Yuki he should take care of me.

"That's all."

Silence.

"Hiro did not want to talk with me?" I frowned. Yuki just nodded.

"You moron, would I lie to you just because your little friend is calling? Call him back if you want, but he won't tell you something new!"

I lowered my head and took another sip from the coffee.

"Now be a good boy and EAT something. You lost weight so do me the favor and go back to normal…"

"I am acting normal, Yuki. The thing is just that I'm not hungry at the moment."

Yuki sighed once again and shook his head, but did not say something. I was surprised he noticed I had lost weight. But maybe it was obvious. Even my trousers became too wide for me. And I ate miserably. I did not feel hungry most of the time.

I felt dirty because Yuki had fucked me the night before, and dirty because I felt my masquerade fading. I left the kitchen and took a long shower, hot and with a lot of soap. I hoped the soap and the water could wash away my guilty and lies. All the bad feelings. All the pain. I did not want Hiro to be worried about me, and I didn't want Yuki feeling the same way either.

Since when did Yuki care for me?

I was glad the water ran down my cheeks, so I could deny to myself I was crying once again. All I ever wanted became truth, Yuki was worried about me. But no, I did not want him to worry about me; I just wanted him to take care of me.

When I came back into the kitchen Yuki was still sitting on the table and read the newspaper. He still looked worried.

"I'm ready now" I whispered "If you want to have a shower now…"

He looked up at me and smiled.

"How very kind of you to offer me a shower in my own flat." He chuckled.

"Take that look of your face" his voice was harsh "Don't always take things that serious!" He lifted himself off of his chair and stepped forward until he reached me with his hand. He placed a kiss on my forehead and went to the refrigerator.

"I have to go to the grocery-store, are you coming with me? Or do you prefer to spend your free time alone?"

I shook my head and looked at him.

"If you want me to come with you" he glanced at me and nodded.

"Brat, please don't look at me like that…"

Strange.

I usually loved to do shopping with Yuki, even if it was just at a grocery-store. But I felt weak, bored and tired when we walked through the supermarket. Yuki was looking for food, I, on the other hand, was just looking forward the moment we would pass the cashier and could drive home again.

"I'm talking to you brat!"

The annoyed voice of my lover brought me from my daydreaming back to reality.

"Sorry, Yuki, I was just thinking of" He snorted.

"Don't hurt your self too much while trying to think." He took in a deep breath before continuing "Do you still have pocky at home?"

"Think so…" I answered and went away from him.

I was walking through the gangways of the store, looking at all those things I usually loved to eat.

But there was no desire for eating left inside of me. The only thing I could think of was the next line I needed so badly. I remembered I was running out of cocaine again so I had to see Masami soon.

Hopefully I would have been able to go to the club the next day.

If Yuki and Hiro would not spy on me.

Yuki found me standing in front of the drinks.

"Are you planning a party or why are you looking at the bottles so desperately?" He decided to take a few cans of beer and walked away.

"Come on, brat!" he said while he looked over his shoulder. "I don't want to spend the whole day here with you!"

I sighed in relief when we were on our way home. I hoped Yuki would be busy with his novel again, so I could lock myself into the bathroom and enjoy the wonderful influence of the white powder.

I bit my lip over and over again while I was playing with my fingers.

"Nervous?" Yuki asked, emotionless as always.

"No…" I told him. I thought things could not turn into something worse between us.

We did not talk until we arrived home.

I emptied the bags and put everything into the cupboard and the refrigerator.

My eyes were staring at the clock and I hoped Yuki would go into his office soon. But he stayed in the living room. I bit my lip.

What was he doing? How could he sit there and just smoke?

I placed myself next to him on the couch.

"Don't you have to work on your novel, Yuki?"

His head turned to face me and he had a strange look.

"Do you want to get rid of me?"

I shook my head. "No, of course not! I was just wondering why you are still sitting here, although you usually prefer to go into your office than spending time with me."

I tried to smile and hoped he would believe me.

"I just wanted to enjoy a short break before starting work again. And what about you? You should be lucky to sit next to me and enjoy my presence."

He smirked while I placed my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes at the same moment. I wanted things to be like this forever. But I knew Yuki would not really care about me. Maybe I did not want him to take care of me; I thought nobody could help me now.

It was just a slow process of dying.

I loved my music, I loved Bad Luck and I loved Yuki. But I did not love the press, not the way they tried to know everything about my private life.

It was none of their business, but when they found out I was together with Yuki, that was all they were interested in. They did not really see me; they saw Shindou Shuichi, vocalist but Yuki Eiri's lover.

They saw me as a perfect copy of Sakuma-san. I really adored Sakuma-san, but I hoped that one day they would stop comparing me with him. I was individual. I was Shindou Shuichi and no one else. I was not a copy of my idol; I had my own music, my own voice.

It was hard to stay alive in a world like this.

And then there was Yuki. My beautiful, but cold hearted lover. I always loved him and I still do. And I always hoped he would love me back one day. Like Hiro did. Hiro always loved me, no matter what happened.

But there were too many arguments with Yuki, too many fights and one day I became tired of trying to win the game. I knew Yuki did not really mean what he said, but words hurt, don't they?

And one day I started to believe in what he said to me. I don't want to put the blame on Yuki. Everything I did was my own decision.

It was my fault. I should have known him better to know that this was his way to show his love for me. Although that sounds strange. But Yuki is not the type of man who tells you every single day that he loves you.

He likes to tease me and now I understand.

He just tried to protect me and himself, he was hurt so deep inside his soul and was frightened of being hurt again. I understand this, now.

I don't know why I didn't see it in that time. Maybe I was blind and too busy with being worried about myself.

"Don't go…" I murmured when I felt the warmth next to me moving. "Just a little longer…"

I wanted to stay like this forever. I wanted to pretend everything was fine. But deep inside I knew that nothing was fine. And I wished Yuki would never know the truth.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I ran out of cocaine and I had to join Masami soon. Very soon. I could not control my desire for the white powder anymore. And every time I prepared another line I knew I needed more than one to satisfy my desire.

My mind was screaming for release, I could not go to work without having "breakfast" on the toilet. It was awful because I always had to be afraid that Yuki found out what was going on.

I did not want him to know my secret. I still hoped everything was just a nightmare and one day I would wake up and things turned back into normal.

But nothing like this did happen.

Instead the world was grey with some colors in it sometimes. Yuki was light, but I had the bad feeling he was turning away from me day after day.

He tried to treat me kind and fondly, but there were still moments he yelled at me for being an idiot. And in fact, I was an idiot.

Yuki started to look old and confused. I avoided looking at him when I left the house. I was an awful untrue person, somebody who was not worth to have someone like Yuki. I knew I was an annoying brat, loud and childish. I knew I started crying too easily. And I thought it was my fault that Yuki was looking tired and old.

But it felt bad to destroy the annoying, loud and childish me.

The brand new single was a success and we had to do a few appearances on TV and the radio. Our fans and the press loved our new songs and my new look.

I used to wear sun glasses in public so that nobody was able to have a look in my tired and irritated eyes. I wore a smile that wasn't mine and I was mentioned in an article of the "J-Pop newsmagazine" as "the thin and fragile Shindou".

I was a star on stage, wild and passionate for the music. I loved to feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, making my success and popularity clear for everybody.

Back at home I was the weak and tired Shuichi, exhausted from the curios looks of the press and the public. Exhausted from pretending to be the strong and happy vocalist.

Home with Yuki meant prison to me because I had to face my true self. And I was frightened to take a look on the pieces of my broken soul.

What had happened to me?

Yuki had decided to pick me up after work from NG-records and I agreed, although I regretted his idea when I entered the building.

We had an interview with a girl-magazine. Suguru was proud of it and I let the idiot be happy. My masquerade was perfect again.

The young woman was nervous at the beginning of our interview, but later she relaxed. Thanks to Hiro, he was very charming. It was quite nice and when the woman left Suguru sighed and leaned back.

"That was good! You've done a real good job" he looked at me and I smiled – friendly so Suguru was irritated for a few seconds.

"Of course I did" I whispered and suddenly burst into tears.

My beautiful daze, the beautiful state of being strong and successful left me within a few seconds. And I could not do anything but cry. The world was so ugly. Everybody was ugly and stupid who thought I was happy or good or successful.

I was nothing at that moment – not even cute.

I wanted everything to stop! I did not want to continue like this. I needed somebody to wake me up, somebody who could save me from myself.

But it was easier to pretend.

Suddenly I opened my eyes. Where was I?

I sighed in relief when I noticed it was one of the rooms we used when we needed rest. But where were Hiro and Suguru? What was the time?

I lifted myself off the couch and walked slowly to the door. I could hear two people talking. One of them was definitely Hiro and the other voice was the one of my lover. I swallowed and tried to listen what they were talking about.

I still felt dizzy but tried to follow the conversation.

"…not sure what's wrong with him. He acts very strange. First I thought you had a fight, but then I had the bad feeling he continued the whole thing."

That was Hiro and a frustrated whimper escaped my lips when I could not catch the words Yuki spoke.

"I should have told you earlier, I thought he had stopped taking this shit."

No! That could not be true! Hiro was cheating on me! He had broken his promise to tell Yuki about the joint-incident. My hands clenched to fists and I bit my lip not to start screaming out loudly.

How dare him!

"Stupid brat" I could hear Yuki say, a few steps were made to the door. "I'll talk to him when he's awake. Good for you to call me…but it would have been better if you had told me about this thing earlier!"

Yukis voice was cold.

But how dare them! How could they talk about me like this?

Yuki stared at me in shock when he opened the door. He looked confused and then closed his eyes.

"Let's go home now; I think we have some things to discuss."

"I don't think so!" I answered angrily and pushed him away from me. I did not want both of them to worry about me. I was so angry with them because they did not even know what was going on with me!

I just wanted to leave them now, I wanted to be left alone, but Yuki followed me. Before I went out of the room I gave Hiro an angry gaze and I think he knew what it was for.

I stayed silent during the way home in the car and Yuki did not feel the need to talk to me.

Maybe he was angry because he had to work things out with me now and I interrupted him with his novel – or he was really worried about me.

God, did he really think I could change that much just because of some pot?

"Shuichi" Yuki suddenly broke the silence "Was Hiroshi-kun right and you still smoke pot?" His gaze was still focused on the street and the traffic, but I knew he expected me to answer.

I shook my head; sure about the fact Yuki noticed it.

"Don't lie to me!" His head turned around to face me; his eyes were angry and worried the same time. He looked old.

"I don't lie to you! I don't, so shut up about this. I don't want to talk to you while you're asking me such stupid questions. Just believe me, Yuki!"

I could feel the anger inside of him growing, but I did not want him to realize the truth. And, on the other side, I did not lie to him when I told him "no."

I felt so bad and rushed into the bathroom immediately when we arrived home. Yuki did not even have the chance to talk to me.

There was still a little powder inside of the package and I had to consume it. I could barely live without it; it was the elixir of life to me.

"Shuichi! Come out NOW!"

Yuki stood in front of the door which was locked and I knew he became angrier minute after minute I stayed inside of the bathroom. I don't know what he expected me to do inside, but it seemed like he knew that it was something bad.

"Shut up and leave me alone! I don't need you inside here!"

I lowered my head and sniffed the little line of the white gold that was in front of me. It was not enough, but it should last for a short while to calm me.

Inside of me everything was burning and I felt hot. I tossed my shoes away and released myself from the shirt I wore.

I did not want Yuki to be mad with me; I wanted him to smile again, although it did not happen that often. But he was so beautiful when he smiled. And that special smile was for my eyes only.

I opened the door quickly and Yuki still stood in front of it.

"What did you do inside?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothing except what all people do when they are on toilet."

I giggled and Yuki looked down on me.

"So you're in a better mood now?"

He rose and eyebrow and stepped inside the bathroom. He tried to make out a strange smell, but there was the usual smell of soap, water and toothpaste in the bathroom. He came back to me and gave me an odd look.

"Ah, Yuki, trust me, I told you I'm alright!"

I hugged him and kissed him on his lips. He did not respond my touch, but I just wanted to feel him, to make him desire me again.

Something so I could feel myself again. To make him feel how the happy and new Shindou Shuichi was.

Wasn't he so much better? Because he did not want to complain, because he always smiled?

I pushed my tongue inside of his mouth, my arms around his neck and my left leg on its journey over Yukis'.

"Don't you want to fuck me?" I closed my eyes and let Yuki kiss my neck, my ear, my lips.

I smiled and giggled but all I felt inside of me was that this was wrong.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind: Did Yuki wanted all this? Did he send me to Masami and his friends? Maybe Hiro wanted me to end like this, too? Maybe all they wanted was a crazy drug slut.

I broke away from the kiss, looking at Yuki how he unzipped his pants.

I was sure he was going to kill me.

Because I was such an incredibly stupid and terrible person! I breathed in and out loudly, my eyes wide in shock and focused on what Yuki was doing.

Why did he look at me like that?  
His lips formed to a devilish smirk, his eyes cold and – golden. But so very cold. And I could hear him say

"You've been a bad boy, Shuichi, you little slut, you dirty whore. I hate you and you won't come out of here alive!"

I could hear him repeat this over and over again.

I tried to crawl away from him, but he held my hips so I couldn't move.

"You want to kill me!" I screamed and tried to push him away with my feet.

I turned around to face him. For a short moment I thought he was watching me in shock, unsure what to do next. But this illusion faded and the smirk appeared on his lips again.

"Oh yes, you are right!" he whispered into my ear and a terrible laughter filled the room. I started to scream, I wanted him to go off me when I saw the knife he held.

"You are going to pay for everything you did, little slut!"

He wanted to kill me. My beloved Yuki wanted to kill me. Because of what? What was it for? Did I earn it?

Maybe…

Because I was not innocent anymore, because I was a little slut, because I was annoying and loud and a brat…and so many other things.

But I did not want to be killed by him.

I screamed and squirmed beneath him, I begged him to let me free, but he did not care.

Before he could move again to push the knife inside my heart, I hit his face and kicked him off me.

When I felt the weight on my body leave I jumped down from the bed and ran into the bathroom again.

Hectically I locked the door and cried.

"You won't kill me, Yuki! I did this all by myself, that's none of your business anymore. I'll bring it to an end by myself!"

Suddenly everything around me started to dance in slow motion, I felt dizzy. My stomach cramped and I knew I had to spit out everything I had inside of it.

I reached the lavatory basin and threw up, although there was nothing that could be inside my stomach.

I heard Yuki at the door, he tried to come inside, and he shouted my name over and over again.

"Shuichi! Don't do something stupid, open the door!"

He was furious but I ignored him. I did not want to see him like this after what he had tried to do. But maybe that had been my imagination?

I started to cry again and shout back at him that he should leave me alone.

I could not see the difference between reality and imagination anymore.

My stomach still ached although there was nothing else left inside of it.

"I'm dying…." I whispered to myself and fainted.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Yuki's POV

"You won't kill me, Yuki! I did this all by myself, that's none of your business anymore. I'll bring it to an end by myself!"

I hammered against the wood, but Shuichi did not intend to open the door.

What was he doing inside? I felt a knot in my stomach and bit my lip.

"Shuichi! Don't do something stupid, open the door!"

What had gotten into him?

First he had wanted to sleep with me, but the moment I started to touch him his eyes widened in fear and he tried to crawl away from me. I just wanted to turn him around; I asked him over and over again what was wrong with him.

Then suddenly he hit my face and pushed me off him.

He ran into the bathroom and locked the door, I could hear him puking and I became frightened of the thought he could maybe hurt himself.

"SHUICHI!"

He did not answer me and I tried desperately to open the door. I did not hear a sound from inside and I begged he was still okay.

Whatever okay meant to me in that moment.

I kicked the door a few times with all the power I had and suddenly the door cracked open and I got a view on Shuichi. He was lying on the floor, one arm placed on the porcelain of the toilet. I sighed in relief when I noticed he still breathed.

"Shuichi, what are you doing, you stupid brat…"

I shook my head and took the light figure onto my arms and brought him back to the bed. Carefully I placed his fragile body on the sheets and watched him for minutes.

I was not sure what to do now; it seemed to me he had a real bad breakdown. I made a quick move, I had to call a doctor or something, but suddenly my wrist was gripped. Very weak and loosen but I turned around.

"Don't leave me now Yuki, I need you."

Shuichi's voice shook and was thin, tears build up in his eyes and he shuddered.

"Shuichi…" I cupped his pale face into my hands and turned his head to me. He closed his eyes while the first teardrops ran down his cheeks.

"I won't leave you if you want me to stay" my voice was a whisper, too, but I had the feeling I should not talk to him other than that.

"Do you still want to kill me?" he asked and I looked down on him in shock.

"I never wanted to kill you. Who would I be without you?" I smiled but Shuichi could not see it as he still kept his eyes closed.

He cried silent, just a few sobs coming from him. I felt his body getting limp again and when I looked down his breath came back to normal and he had drifted into sleep. He slept, but I couldn't say he looked relaxed or comfortable.

It would have been a lie when I said I usually understood the behavior and feelings of the little brat. But the way he behaved in that time was completely strange to me. He was not Shuichi anymore, something dark and depressing floated his usual smiling and happy self.

I can not tell when exactly it began. I only know it had something to do with a fight Shuichi and I had once.

I knew Shuichi would go and see his best friend, Hiroshi, like he always did. And I was glad about the fact he was out. So I could think about the last chapters of the story. I really enjoyed the evening on my own, I typed down two chapters and the novel was reaching its end.

When I looked at the clock I noticed it was past midnight and I decided to have a short drink and went into the kitchen. Shuichi was not home so I thought he would stay at Hiros' over night.

Maybe it was better, although I really prefer to drift into sleep when I know the brat lies next to me.

Nevertheless I had a peaceful sleep and when I woke up Shuichi was still not next to me. I thought maybe he slept on the couch, but there was also no Shuichi.

I had a small breakfast and went over into my office again. I wanted to finish the novel quickly so my editor could not get on my nerves again.

That meant also having a little more time for the idiot and he could be happy about it. I don't like to see him cry, he was always so cheerful.

Two hours later I heard the door to our flat open and soon after this the voice of my so called lover.

"Yuki, tadaima!" He was cheerful like always. I don't know what we were fighting about and so I decided to greet him, too, although it was nothing I did often.

"Home again, baka?" I asked when I entered the living room, where the cutie was.

He looked at me, smiling, but I wanted him to believe I still did not give a damn about him and went inside the kitchen again.

"Where have you been, over Hiroshis'?"

I hoped I did not sound too worried about the fact he stayed away over night and turned around. He was still smiling.

"Yes…sort of…" he said and followed me into the kitchen.

What the hell did he mean with "sort of" – either he was at Hiros' or somewhere else.

"And that means?" I growled and tried not to show interest.

The little brat took a pepsi out of the refrigerator when I gripped him and pulled him near.

He had a strange smell on him and I looked up disgusted. Smoke, alcohol, disco, perfume – usually he didn't smell like this.

"Where have you been?" I asked "You smell like smoke, whiskey and some other things – I don't want to name them!"

I turned around "Go and change your clothes!"

I did not really like the thought of Shuichi dancing around in a club where dozens of idiots could see the body of the little brat moving.

I yawned. Maybe I had worked too much during the night, although I had the feeling I slept for hours.

Automatically my feet brought me into the bedroom, where Shuichi was standing in front of the wardrobe, looking into the mirror. When he sighed I decided to announce my presence.

"You're sighing and complaining too much, Shuichi!"

I smiled and stepped in front of him. His lips were red like cherries and inside of me the desire to kiss the pair of lips grew. I ran my thumb over his lips, brushed his soft cheek and finally reached his mouth.

He tasted so sweet and all I wanted to do was pinning his body on the mattress. My hands slid down his back and I gripped his buttocks when he moaned out in pleasure. I lifted him up and laid him down on the bed.

He looked so damn seductive…I can tell you, I was horny. And he was as well.

When I fucked him, wild and passionate, he knew this was my way to say sorry. I was better in physical showing than with words, and the little brat knew it.

After we were done I needed a smoke. It was always good after good sex, and this had been very good one.

I was glad Shuichi was silent, usually he wants to talk after making love, but this time he seemed to be in his own little world.

I became really tired, but my body told me over and over again I should clean myself and get back to work. So I went to have a shower. The hot water made my muscles relax. When I came back into the room Shuichi was sleeping.

And I thought he should take a rest by himself, I had to go back to work.

So everything was fine.

I did not know that this was the beginning of his strange behave.

A week later Shuichi started to act more childish and annoying than usual. He really got on my nerves, I still had a deadline and my writers' block was driving me crazy.

My editor told me I had to write down more ideas and so I sat day and night in my office to create new ideas.

And with an annoying brat inside of the flat it was not that easy. It was always hard for him to understand that I had to work, that I could not take too many breaks.

He was giggling and smiling all the time so I thought he had a really good time at work. I wondered about the fact he never told me anything about it, but I knew he would tell me sooner or later.

So I concentrated on work, my editor planned a meeting at the end of the week and I had to finish the novel quickly.

I felt exhausted and a few days later I did not even notice Shuichi was home. I was not sure what he was doing, but he stayed silent during doing his things, and that was enough for me.

I did not want him to feel alone, but he did not complain, so I thought it was okay. I really had no idea what was wrong with him. It really would have been better for Hiroshi to tell me about this god damn incident.

Besides, Shuichi was always asleep when I came into the bedroom to have a short sleep.

I was in a bad mood as everything seemed too much and I told Shuichi he should go off me when he wanted to have sex.

I always thought sex was something he really loved, but nothing he needed few times a day. Strange…sometimes he was so far away from me.

Oh, I really hate to remember this one day.

I had the meeting with my editor. She was talking all the time and I felt a headache coming up in my head. I preferred the brats' talking more than this, I used to look bored when he told me the things happened to him, but they were still amusing and sort of cute.

But she was talking nonsense about my novels. They were just about love, nothing special, just the things my fans wanted to read.

There was nothing true about love in my novels. Love was not always easy and fantastic.

I was glad when the meeting was over and I drove home. I hoped Shuichi was still awake, maybe it was time to show him I still cared for him – in my own strange way.

When I opened the door I felt something wasn't like it should be.

There was a pair of shoes I knew were my brothers' but Tatsuha was not seen anywhere. He and Shuichi usually sat in front of the TV to watch "Nittle Grapser" music videos, but none of them was found in the living room.

"Aaahhh…"

I turned around. The sounds came from my bedroom and I gritted my teeth. Was it possible that Tatsuha took one of his girlies into my apartment to fuck her in my bed? How dare him, how could he think I would tolerate something like this?

I rushed into the bedroom but froze when I heard the voice of Shuichi. My heart stopped to beat for a moment, but then my mind came back to reality.

I opened the door and there was Tatsuha, who pulled his dick out of my lovers' tight hole. Shuichi sighed and then stared into my eyes.

I thought everything was possible on earth – but never that Shuichi would sleep with another person! And he did it with whom? With Tatsuha, my brother, my younger brother!

The whore…How could they?

"Hey brother, wanna join us?" Tatsuha lifted himself off the bed and searched for his boxers. How dare him to be so cheerful and happy, although he knew I would kick his ass for this?

"That means no, I think" he chuckled and that was enough.

"Out!" I growled when my brother looked into my eyes. Did this idiot not notice what he had done? My hands clenched into fists.

"OUT!" I shouted at him. I became upset; I did not want to see his stupid face. He did not have the time to get dressed, I took him by his arm roughly and kicked him out.

"Eiri!" he cried "Let me in, it's cold outside when you're naked. Hey, bro, let me in!" He whimpered but that was not my fault. He had done this by himself.

"Never touch again what's mine!" I hissed certain that he still heard it.

When I headed back into the bedroom Shuichi got dressed into his boxers and a short shirt. He looked rather cute, but I could not have eyes for that.

His eyes were red and swollen, he still cried, silent, for himself, but still obvious to me. Did he regret it I came in too early; did he regret I caught them in their love making? Or did he regret the whole thing?

"So…" I said but did not move. He turned his head to face me.

"It's come to this. I walk out for a meeting with my editor and the little slut" I spit the word out "has nothing better to do than screwing around with my dear brother."

I chuckled, because I thought it could maybe turn the things into something better. But I was not amused, I was angry and hurt. Shuichi had done something I never expected him to do. Not him. Anyone else in this world, but not this stupid brat!

How often did he tell me he loved me? Lies? Always and forever lies?

I swore to myself I never wanted to have a special person in my live again, I did not want to be betrayed again. But now exactly this had happened!

"How dare you, brat, to do it with him in here!"

I shook my head, but was surprised when he answered.

"You ALWAYS cheat on me and now it's a big thing to deal with the fact Tatsuha fucked me?"

Shuichi, Shuichi…That was your fault. How could you say I cheated on you, you stupid little thing!

"I cheat on you? I CHEAT on you?" I screamed and pushed his lithe body back on the bed.

"It would have been better for me if I never let such a damn and stupid brat like you being a par of my life!" I tightened my grip around his wrists and made him whimper by that.

"It would have been better for me NOT to stop cheating on you! What was that for, tell me, you little whore!"

He tried to crawl away from me, he wanted to run away from this fight, he did not even want to face the truth that he was the one who cheated on his lover. He whimpered once again and then burst into tears. I hate it to see him crying and I hated it even in that moment, so I loosened my grip.

"I'm sorry Yuki" he sobbed "I thought he was you?"

Liar. Did he really think I'd believe this bullshit?

"Really!" he nodded and put his arms around himself. I could not say a thing. Did he really want to tell me he did not notice the difference between Tatsuha and me? Liar…

"Go" was the only thing I could say. He had to go.

"Go away. I don't want to see your face right now. Just leave me alone!"

With these words I left the room and sighed in relief when I heard the front door close. He was gone and it was the first time I thought it was right to show him the door.

Since Shuichi had left the building I drank a few cans of beer, smoke a pack of cigarettes and leaned back on my chair in my office.

I had the best chance to start the new novel; everything was quiet. But my mind circled around Shuichi and what he had done. The image of Tatsuha still buried inside of him burned into my memory.

Why did Shuichi sleep with my brother? Since when? Or had it been the first time?  
Now I know Shuichi really believed it was me, because he was high. I still can't believe he did this once ago.

It became late and I hoped Shuichi had found a place to stay. I was certain he stayed with Hiro, like he always does. He's his best friend, so it's logical he cries at his shoulder when we had a fight.

When the clock on the wall got on my nerves and no ideas were created in my mind I decided to call Hiroshi to make sure that Shuichi really was with him.

The idiot was cold to me like usual. I don't know why we don't really like each other. Maybe it's the fact we're competing about Shuichi's love. Yes, I'm certain, that's it, we both don't like each other because we're both so close to Shuichi.

Although I think Hiroshi's the one who understands Shuichi the most.

"He's with you, isn't he?"

My voice was cold as his when I asked him.

"Who?" he tried to sound innocent!

"Don't play dumb, you know who I mean. Shuichi's with you, isn't he?"

There was silence for a short moment, then he answered my question.

"No, he is not. What have you done to him again?"

I snorted.

"That's none of your business" I murmured and was about to put down the receiver.

"I think it is! Shuichi's my best friend, d'you remember?"

I moaned in frustration.

"You ARE. But it's still none of your business. Shuichi was a bad boy, but tell me when he shows up at your door. Thanks!"

Hiro did not get the chance to explain further things, the call was over and my mind was thinking of where else the brat could have gone over night.

It was early in the morning when he returned home although I told him not to come back again. But on the other side I was glad nothing happened to him.

He blinked a few times and then opened his eyes, he looked at me in confusion and said nothing.

"Where have you been? You did not stay at Hiros', did you?"

"Oh…well…How did you know that?"

He looked tired and smelled like alcohol and disco again. What an idiot, he knew he was not good with alcohol and gets drunken immediately. Sometimes he was so innocent, although I knew he was not that innocent anymore.

Sometimes I thought, it would have been better for him if he and I never met.

"I called your stupid friend, but he told me you were not there. So call him and tell him you are fine, he was worried about you."

I had been worried, too, but I did not want to show him that.

And I did not want to talk about the incident with Tatsuha. Talking about it meant that I was hurt, and that was the last thing Shuichi had to think about me. He knew that there were a few tragic things that had happened in my past, but he always thought I was strong. And I wanted him to still believe in it.

So I was strong, although it was something I wished it had never happened. I left him on the couch and headed into my office.

Shuichi was going to sleep on the couch from now on again…

And after that night Shuichi started acting very strange.

One day he told me he had written fantastic lyrics, but I was too tired to read it and he was pissed off. But I could not show much interest in it as my own work was waiting for me.

I tortured the keyboard of my laptop and soon there were two chapters, but I was not sure if I had to change some things about it. My gaze wandered through the room and I caught the clock. I was sure the brat would show up very soon. But I still had a few hours…It was not easy to repulse Shuichi when he wanted to sleep with me, but I was too tired and overworked.

I sighed and stepped inside the living room, which was empty. I preferred to have the little idiot inside…

Then I heard somebody at the door and decided to greet Shuichi with a growl. If it was him, what did he do at home so early? I pulled the door open and saw the brat standing in front of me, confused.

"What the hell are you doing here so damn early?" I tried to sound very annoyed, but I think it failed because Shuichi did not start to complain. Instead he pressed his little body against mine, trying to turn me on.

"Oh, not now, you moron. Deadline is at the end of the week and I have to think about three new chapters!"

The brat shook his head and pulled him nearer, breathed against my lips while his arms rested around my neck.

"No more words now, Yuki. I need you. I want you to fuck me, I'm horny and I won't let you go till you gave it to me." Shuichi smiled and started to work with his tongue on my earlobe. The idiot…he knew this is my weak spot. I did not want to moan, but suddenly a low moan escaped my lips.

Sometimes it would be better for me if Shuichi doesn't know all the spots that turn me on, because he's really good at it to use them. I tried to push him away first, but he pushed himself closer to me than before.

"No, Yuki. Please make me yours again. I need you and I can't bear it anymore to be rejected by you!" he whispered and finally I opened my mouth to him, so our tongues battled for dominance.

He tasted sweet, like he always does, and when we broke the kiss I could not resist anymore and started to touch his body. I smiled when he threw his head back and moaned out loud. He wanted to do it in the bedroom and I did not complain.

Wonderful feelings were rushing through my body, his touches exciting and my desire built up with each touch he did to my body. His hands were soft and I caressed his inner thighs to open his legs for me.

Yes, I wanted to make him mine again. I wanted to mark my territory again and wash away all the marks Tatsuha had left on him. Those were, of course, marks my mind created and only obvious to me.

Shuichi was mine. His body and soul was mine and I would never let him go away from me.

The act of sex was wild, passionate and Shuichi was the one who set the pace. He climbed on top of me and rode me until I reached my orgasm. It was the first time I can remember I came before him.

But I had the feeling Shuichi was not the same. He liked to do it like this, but he had never been this possessive and dominant during sex before. His eyes were wide and lust filled, but I knew there was something else inside I could not name, something I never saw in his eyes before.

He collapsed on top of me and whispered into my ear that he loved me. I smiled, but did not answer him. I thought he knew I felt the same way, so instead of telling him something I took him into my arms and placed my chin on the top of his head.

"What happened to you to be that furious?" I had to catch me breath and so was he. He did not answer me, although I had the feeling he was thinking about an answer.

I sighed. I knew the time of sleeping alone in the bed was finally over. That meant the bed would never be cold and empty when I climbed into it.

The next day I had a headache again and was upset, because I had lost a whole day which meant I had to work harder on my novel again. Damn!

I did not understand what Shuichi was waiting for when he looked at me with his big cute eyes. I thought there was nothing to talk about, even not the thing with Tatsuha. All I wanted was to forget the whole thing and I did not want to blame Shuichi for it anymore. It has happened and could not be changed.

I did not even noticed when Shuichi left our shared home, but suddenly he was gone. I noticed the piece of paper on the kitchen table which said he had been gone over to Hiros'.

About four hours I received a phone call, but I did not answer it. The answering machine told the person who called me I was not at home and after the beep I could only make out music and somebody's breath. Then suddenly Hiroshi's voice was heard.

"Yuki? P-please call me back! Or answer my call, damn you!" he yawned "If you want Shuichi back today you'd better come here and pick him up. I'm tired and he"

"Where are you and what's wrong with him?"

I took the opportunity to talk to Hiro and he seemed to be a bit confused when I suddenly answered his call.

"Oh…nothing is really wrong with him. But he does not stop dancing and jumping around. I'm tired, but he does not want to go. Maybe it's better if you pick him up?"

That had not been a question; he really wanted me to pick Shuichi up. I moaned.

"So where are you?"

I murmured to myself when I was driving to the club Hiro had told me they were. Shuichi was always cheerful and powerful, but it was the first time his friend called me to pick him up because he did not want to leave a party.

When I arrived in front of the club I could make out two figures standing in front of it. There were Shuichi and Hiro.

Shuichi was talking all the time and I could see that his friend was tired and did not really listen to what Shuichi was talking. All he wanted to do was to drive home quickly.

"Shuichi" I growled "Stop your stupid talking!"

He turned around and looked surprised, confused or whatever. He did not expect me to be there.

"Come home now, you see Nakano's tired, don't you?"

Hiro yawned and nodded, making my statement obvious to Shuichi. Sometimes he was really slow in his head…

"I am. So take him home now, Yuki-san. It was not that easy to get him out of this club!" He pointed to the entrance and looked bored.

I thought it was because of me. He had called me but that did not mean he really wanted me around. He just wanted to get rid of Shuichi, the asshole.

I took Shuichi by his arm and murmured something that sounded like "thank you" and "bye" over at Hiro and pulled Shuichi to the car.

"You are always so mean to Hiro!" Shuichi cried when I turned the motor on. Fantastic, the last thing I wanted to hear now was that I was not friendly to this idiot of friend.

"Am I?"   
I was not really interested in this conversation.

"Yes, you are" he cried. "And I don't like how you look at him. You know Hiro's my best friend, why do you always treat him like that. He did not do anything wrong to you, so what's the reason you don't like him? I cannot understand both of you. You both like me, so what? Why can't you just be kind to another?"

I rolled my eyes. He could really get on my nerves and that was what he was doing in that moment. I did not feel like I should be good friend with Hiro just because he was his best friend!

"I never said I liked you."

He became quiet and I sighed in relief. Why should I tell Shuichi I liked him? When it was not enough to express what I felt? He knew it, so what? Why should I tell him everyday? It was hard for me to accept somebody special in my life.

It became silent in the car and I thought Shuichi would start crying again, but he didn't. I had the bad feeling something inside him had broken.

"How can you say that to the person who loves you most…"

"Shuichi" I shook my head "Don't take everything that serious…"

But I thought he did not listen to me.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

You know, all people have these little habits that get you down.

Shuichi usually bounces around and is noisy and that gives me a headache. And although I tell him to keep it down he is always smiling.

In those days his smile was not the usual. It was definitely not himself.

But it was not his strange smile alone that made me feel something was not right with him. When he looked at me I saw big and sad eyes.

What were they for? I did not do anything to him. I did not believe he thought my words were the truth; he could not be that stupid!

So I thought it would make him happy again when I sleep with him every night, like he always wanted it: soft and gentle. He had to understand it, but now I know he didn't and this is my fault.

But I had to write a new novel. My editor told me I had to, because it was so successful and they needed a few more and quick sells. And Shuichi had this stupid idea to go on a trip with me over the weekend or something. I could not agree to this.

You know, everything costs money. Without money, you cannot live. But the thought of living without Shuichi is hard for me, too.

But nobody expected things to change like that.

"I won't go on a short holiday with you, brat. If you want to give me peace and rest, then leave me alone now. I've got work to do."

He stood in front of me, with his pink hair and his big eyes that begged me to go with him anywhere but away from where we were. But I shook my head again and prepared myself to hear him cry and complain.

But nothing like this did happen. He looked at me with these huge eyes which made me feel guilty, because I could see the hurt in them.

"What's wrong with you, brat? You're acting weird…No tears, no screams, no complaining?"

He did not answer me and that bothered me more than all his bouncing and babbling.

And soon I got the feeling he was glad when I went out for a meeting with my editor, even when I just was out to buy cigarettes! And when I came back home he was sitting on the couch with a pad and a pen, thinking about new lyrics for Bad Luck. Although he knew he would never be a really good song writer he never stopped trying.

The strangest thing was that he avoided looking into my eyes when I returned. What was it what he was hiding from me?

One day I was tired and exhausted after signing hundreds of autographs and a few hours afterwards of writing a new chapter for the latest novel.

Shuichi was still awake and sat in the living room again, thinking about…whatever it was he really thought about!

"Aren't you getting tired of this? It's two o'clock in the morning…"

I could not help me and yawned when I went into the kitchen to put the empty cans of beer into the dustbin. When I came back Shuichi did not move and it annoyed me that he was ignoring me.

"I'm talking to you, baka!" I touched him softly on his shoulder, but he shuddered.

"What's wrong with you?"

He still did not move and I asked myself if it was really Shuichi who was sitting on the sofa.

"Nothing" he murmured "I just want to finish this. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch; I don't want to disturb your important sleep."

Did he really propose to sleep uncomfortably on the sofa in the living room? I sighed and sat down next to him.

"Come on, brat" I tried again "You can't be awake the whole night. You have to go to work tomorrow, don't you?"

He nodded and I was hopefully looking forward he would follow me into the bedroom like he usually loved to do.

"Then go to be!"

There, he still sat there on his ass, facing the pad he held and did not move. He stared down and said nothing.

"Baka!"

I snorted and went inside the bedroom. This idiot, I was not going to beg him to stay in bed with me tonight, should he complain the next morning about the ache in his back.

Shuichi went out early the next day, I did not even notice when exactly he had left the flat. There was a piece of paper on the kitchen table which told me he wanted to show his band mates the lyrics he wrote down.

So it was easy for me to go on with my novel, I thought. But it was not that easy. The first lines were typed and erased again. It did not make sense and I was not sure if the whole story wasn't just crap.

It was getting late and Shuichi still was not home. I could not really free my mind from the thoughts about his strange behavior, so I went out to take a walk in the park.

Of course I recognized the place we had met for the first time.

He had been innocent and cute; he had been himself with his shiny smile and happy laughter. Could it be that he changed because he became older?

I thought Shuichi would never change.

Maybe it was my bad influence on him? I could not even tell what exactly was wrong with him, I had no clue, and I only recognized a few changes in his personality.

Sometimes he was so calm and I thought he was depressed, but a few hours later he was smiling and creative and happy.

Well, it looked like he was happy.

When I came home he was inside of the bedroom, sleeping.

And I wondered what it was he had cried about.

It had always been a bit difficult for me to understand the feelings and behavior of the little punk, but it had never been that difficult. He became a completely stranger to me and it seemed to me he wanted that to happen. He even thought I did not notice he went out for a while. The little idiot, of course I noticed it, although he really tried to be quiet when he returned home. But I did not want to ask him where he had gone; I believed he needed time for him, to think about the stupid thinks he used to think and talk about.

So Shuichi started to live his own life without me.

On the day of Bad Luck's concert we had a few arguments again, because he refused to have sex with me and stuff like that. So the baka rushed outside, disappearing from my eyes to go on with his work and success.

Something he decided to have without me.

I ordered Italian food for myself, but also something for Shuichi. I thought he'd love to eat his favorite lasagna when he arrived home.

During a short break of writing I switched the TV on and watched a part of the concert. I usually did not spend my time with watching Shuichi and his band on television. And I had to admit, his manful voice, tempting and seductive, and his wild look made me hard. He circled with his fingers over his bare chest, breathing in and out.

I swallowed hard and went into the bathroom to have a shower.

When Shuichi returned from the concert I was in the bedroom, pretending to sleep. He tried to be quiet and he was indeed when he slipped inside the bathroom and returned a few minutes later to see the lights on and me sitting in the bed.

I stared at his body and smiled.

"I saw you on TV!"

But Shuichi did not answer me; instead he crawled under the bed sheets and faced me with his back. But there was still burning a need inside of me and I pressed myself against the body of my lover. He took a sharp breath and stiffened.

My tongue traveled along his earlobe and a sigh escaped his lips.

"You looked so damn sexy, d'you know that?" I whispered while my hands were exploring his entire body.

"Ah…Yuki, not now…" he suddenly said and turned onto his back. I was surprised for a moment, but then climbed on top of him, ignoring the words he had told me.

I licked over his nipples, which hardened immediately, and kissed down his chest, reaching his navel.

"You became thinner…" I murmured. But it was not the first time I noticed it. I saw him every day and it was obvious to me his clothes began to flutter around his waist.

"Yuki, I said I don't want to have sex now!" he tried to push me away, but failed and stared into my eyes.

"How long are you going to tell me that? What's your problem?"

I hated him for this, really. Who did he think he was? And why did he refuse to sleep with me? He never did before!

Shuichi tried to smile while he was looking up to me, cupping my cheek with his little cute hand.

"I'll stop telling you this when I really want to sleep with you."

I frowned. What did he want to tell me with his words? That I couldn't give it to him anymore – since my brother fucked him? Or did he start screwing around with someone else?

"Do you want to tell me that I'm not good in bed anymore; is that the reason why you stopped screaming and squeaking during sex? Do you prefer my brother to shove his dick into your ass?" I snorted "Tell me the reason, Shuichi!"

"That's not true" he whispered and I felt guilty for the harsh words. "Go on…"

And I fucked him, although I did not feel it was right. Shuichi seemed so far away with his mind and I swear I felt him crying against my shoulder.

I did not last that long, Shuichi was too hot and tight and I came with a low grunt. I kissed him hungrily; I loved the sweet taste of his mouth. But he did not kiss me back; instead he sighed when I pulled out of him and turned to the side, still having an erection. But Shuichi was not really aroused, the erection caused by the strokes I had done to his prostate.

We did not say a thing when I shut the light; I just bend over and kissed his forehead, wrapping my arms around his slim waist. He was warm.

And that was the moment I figured out sex was not what he needed and wanted in that time.

When I was working in the kitchen Shuichi appeared in the doorframe.

"Morning…" he murmured and sat down at the kitchen table. I noticed he started to read the interesting things written in the newspaper. No politics or sports, but the lifestyle and features he was interested in. I knew there was a short article about Bad Luck's last appearance on stage in it.

I yawned and put the plates out of the cupboard, placing a cup and a plate in front of him.

"Not thanks…" he mumbled and pushed the plate away from him.

"You don't want to eat?" I raised an eyebrow, but he just looked up at me and nodded.

"I'm not hungry, thank you!"

"You're not horny, you're not hungry…what's next?" I murmured while I sat down on my chair, my eyes were still focused on Shuichi.

"What's wrong with you?"

I wanted to be a part of his life again, I did not want to stand outside of his world, not knowing what was going on.

But instead he shook his head.

"Nothing" he said "I was just reading."

Really, that was no excuse for all this. I had a look on the picture that showed Shuichi in action on stage.

"I see" I started "You still act hyperactive and happy on stage, but when you're at home you always look depressed and sad!"

Nothing again, he just took a sip from his mug and placed it down on the table again.

„I ask you again, what's wrong with you, Shuichi? "

He sighed and he told me there was nothing wrong with him again.

"I asked Tohma, but he told me he didn't notice you've change much."

I paused for a moment and continued "But maybe it's just me who's getting old and strange…"

Before I could say anything else the sound of the telephone filled the room and I lifted myself off the chair and headed into the living-room to answer the call.

It was Hiro.

"Ahh.." I moaned "Just wait a moment, I'll tell Shuichi"

"No!" he interrupted me while I was still speaking. "It's not that bad you answered the call."

I could hear him taking a deep breath before he continued.

"Is everything alright with Shuichi?" He sounded really worried.

"Well, he says it is. But I'm not sure about it" I truly answered him. He sighed.

"I'm not sure about it, too. He always says everything is fine with him, but I think he's acting…kind of weird, don't he?"

I nodded although I knew Hiro could not see me, so I said "Yeah…"

"Did you two have a real bad fight or so?"

I chuckled.

"You know, we always have. But nothing that was real bad."

"Hm…" he paused for a moment "Maybe he's just a bit upset about the new records or something…"

"Yes, maybe!"

"Promise me to take care of him!"

I nodded again.

"I do. Bye!"

When I returned Shuichi was watching me.

"Who was it?" he asked a bit curious.

"Hiroshi…" I murmured and sat back on my chair, first finishing my breakfast before I let him know the reason for Hiro's call.

"He just wanted to know if you are fine. And that I should take care of you."

"Aha" he looked up "And that was all?"

I smirked, he really could not believe that Hiro had such a simple reason to call and even did not talk to him.

I nodded. "That's all."

Silence.

"Hiro did not want to talk to me?"

Aha, now he was suspicious but there was nothing else left for me than nodding.

"You moron, would I lie to you just because your little friend is calling? Call him back if you want, but he won't tell you something new!"

The idiot, did he really believe I would lie to him just because such a thing?

"Now be a good boy and eat something" I added "You lost weight, so do me the favor and go back to normal…"

"I am acting normal, Yuki. The thing is just that I'm not hungry at the moment."

I did not believe him, but said nothing. Instead I sighed and shook my head, watching him when he headed to the bathroom.

So Hiro had noticed the strange behavior of Shuichi, too. So it had not been my imagination. There was indeed something wrong with Shuichi, but he was not ready to tell him or me.

Suddenly an idea crossed my mind and I smiled about my own genius. Maybe Shuichi was upset because of their new album or their success or whatever. He loved to do shopping with me and I really had to go to the supermarket again, because we were running out a few things.

When the baka came back into the kitchen his voice was a whisper.

"I'm ready now. If you want to have a shower now."  
I looked up at him and smiled.

"How very kind of you to offer me a shower in my own flat." I chuckled, because I thought it was really funny, Shuichi looked so cute and innocent like he used to.

"Baka" I grunted as I noticed the sad look on his face.

"Take that look of your face" maybe it was too harsh "Don't always take things that serious!" I placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I have to go to the grocery-store, are you coming with me?"  
Yes, that was much friendlier.

"Or do you prefer to spend your free time alone?"

He shook his head. Fine.

"If you want me to come with you."

I nodded and rolled my eyes the same time.

"Brat, please don't look at me like that…"

Strange.

I always thought he really loved to do shopping with me, even it was the supermarket, but Shuichi seemed bored when we walked through the store.

"Pocky?" I asked him when we passed the sweets and cakes. No answer.

"I'm talking to you brat!"

I was angry, with him and me, because my plan did not work out.

"Sorry, Yuki, I was just thinking of" I snorted.

"Don't hurt yourself too much while trying to think."

I knew it was not nice, I knew it would hurt him, but there was nothing I could say instead. I took a deep breath not to say something mean again.

"Do you still have pocky at home?" I tried once again.

"Think so" he said and walked away from me.

And I stood there like an idiot.

He usually could not get enough pocky, and now he thought there was still enough at home? I could have ignored the fact that he maybe was running out of his beloved food, but instead I took one of the boxes and put it into the trolley.

I saw Shuichi standing in front of alcoholic drinks, but his mind was obviously far away.

"Are you planning a party or why are you looking at the bottles so desperately?"

I added a few cans of beer on my "to-buy-list" and placed them next to the pocky.

"Come on, brat!" I shouted when Shuichi did not intend to move. "I don't want to spend the whole day here with you!"

We did not really talk during our way home. Shuichi seemed nervous, but I bit back a few comments I would have loved to tell him. But one was enough and I did not want him to be real mad with me.

Things could not turn into something worse between us.

Shuichi immediately went into the kitchen, emptying the bags and placing the things into their places.

I should have gone back to work, but something inside me told me to stay a moment longer with Shuichi.

"Don't you have to work on your novel, Yuki?" he suddenly asked when he placed himself next to me on the sofa.

I turned around and looked him in the eyes.

"Do you want to get rid of me?" He never asked me something like this before.

"No!" he shook his head "Of course not! I was just wondering why you are still sitting here, although you usually prefer to go into your office than spending time with me."

He smiled, but this smile was a part of the Shuichi I did not know anymore.

"I just wanted to enjoy a short break before starting work again. And what about you? You should be lucky to sit next to me and enjoy my presence."

Without saying a word he placed his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

He was warm and I was glad about the fact he was next to me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him nearer.

It was good to say nothing, it was good just to sit there in silence. I moved a bit and Shuichi murmured

"Don't go…Just a little longer!"

I had not been my intention to go away from him, but I said nothing.

I just held him. And I really enjoyed his presence.

When I looked into the mirror I noticed I looked tired and a bit old, too. Maybe it was because I did not sleep well in that time.

I observed Shuichi all the time when he was around. I went to the toilet or the kitchen more often when he sat in the living room, writing new lyrics. Or even if he was sitting there, watching TV.

I tried to treat him friendly and kind, most of the time it worked. But there were still moments I started to shout at him, because deep inside I knew the idiot was doing something terrible to himself. And to me, too.

The new single was a success and Shuichi and his band had a few appearances on TV and sometimes on the radio, too. The brat changed his look a bit, he started hiding his eyes behind dark sunglasses. And there was something else around him, too.

He was mentioned a lot in magazines and soon he was in everybody's mind as "The Fragile", which I in fact did not really like.

I was still suspicious what was about Shuichi and his health – psychically and physically. So I offered him to pick him up after work.

He was babbling about an interview all day long the day before, so I knew he was really looking forward that day.

It was the early afternoon when I leaned back in my chair, enjoying the fact that my new novel went on, although my mind drifted away every minute.

I was about to continue the chapter when the telephone rang. I wanted to ignore it first, but the person did not give up, so I picked the phone up and my eyes widened when I heard a confused and worried Hiro speaking to me.

I jumped immediately into the car, not knowing what has really happened to Shuichi. Nakano-kun had told me Shuichi had a break down, but he did not tell me the reason. I passed the ground of NG-records without any problems and rushed into the elevator and ran into Hiroshi when I walked out on the 7th floor.

"Where is he?"

"Calm down!" Hiro spoke with a low voice that still shook "He's sleeping now. Let's go somewhere we can talk alone."

He guided me into a room and opened another door.

"We usually relax in here…" he said and I looked down at the figure on one of the small sofas. Shuichi looked so innocent and peaceful, although I thought inside of him nothing was innocent and peaceful anymore.

"What has happened?" I asked when I sat down on a chair that Hiro offered me, although I would have placed myself on a chair without any offer.

"We just finished the interview and Suguru" he pointed to the young guy sitting next to him with his arms crossed "told him he was good when he started to burst into tears. At first we thought it was one of Shuichi's jokes or that he was crying because he was happy. But he did not stop to cry."

"He was not happy!" added Fujisaki-kun.

I could not blame the boy for this, maybe it was nothing he had done. But I knew there was a reason for Shuichi's crying.

"Well…" Hiro started once again when the boy left the room. "There's something I want to tell you. I think I better have told you earlier, but I did not think it would turn into this bad…"

My eyes widened in surprise and I was curious what Hiro wanted to tell me.

"Ah, you know, it's been a while now, but you two had a fight and I went out with Shuichi he tried to, how can I say it?"

"Just tell me!" I wanted him to go on.

"There was a guy and he offered Shuichi a joint." He looked at me, and then continued. "And Shuichi agreed."

Both of us had to swallow.

"How could you let him do something this stupid?" I growled, my eyes wild.

"Hey, I really tried, but Shuichi did not want to listen to me. I know I had better stopped him. But I was sure he would not do it again. But then he started to act very weird. He started to avoid looking into my eyes when he returned from toilet and before our last concert I saw his eyes. And they were wide and big and…I don't know what else. But they did not look normal and Shuichi was not normal. I'm afraid Shuichi has a problem with this shit."

I could not believe what this guy wanted to tell me.

Shuichi and pot? Well, I thought he was acting very very weird, too, but I did not suppose him to do something like this. Hm. The idea had crossed my mind a few times if it was because of drugs, but my Shuichi had never been that stupid before.

"But I'm not sure what's wrong with him. He acts very strange. First I thought you had a fight, but then I had the bad feeling he continued the whole thing!"

"So that's it…" I spoke mostly to myself.

"I should have told you earlier. I thought he had stopped taking this shit."

"Stupid brat" I snorted and walked to the door, I just wanted to take Shuichi with me. "I'll talk to him when he's awake. Good for you to call me…but it would have been better if you had told me about this thing earlier!"

My voice was cold and that was exactly what I wanted. These idiots!

I wanted to open the door and suddenly there was Shuichi, awake in the doorframe.

"Let's go home now; I think we have some things to discuss" I told him and wanted to turn around when he suddenly pushed me aside.

"I don't think so!" he answered angrily and headed to the door, he gave Hiro an angry look and rushed through the exit.

Shuichi said nothing when we sat in the car, but I waited for him to say anything.

"Shuichi…" I broke the silence "Was Hiroshi-kun right and you still smoke pot?"

My eyes were still focused on the road, but he knew I expected to hear him answer. He still did not say a thing but he shook his head.

"Don't lie to me!" I became angry and turned my head to the side.

"I don't lie to you!" he cried "I don't, so shut up about this. I don't want to talk to you while you're asking me such stupid questions. Just believe me, Yuki!"

I became angrier, but I told myself to stay calm. If he was really on pot there would be a lot of discussions with him about it. And the best thing was to talk to him when both of us calmed down a bit.

But he gave me a reason to become angry and worried again when we arrived home. He immediately ran into the bathroom and locked himself in it.

"Shuichi!" I screamed "Come out NOW!"

"Shut up and leave me alone! I don't need you inside here!"

I thought I'd go insane. He did not want to let me in, so what was he hiding from me. I could not figure out what he was doing inside, there was no sound, I just could hear him moving.

After a few minutes he opened the door.

"What did you do inside?"

"Nothing except what all people do when they are on toilet."

He giggled. He giggled? I looked down on him.

"So you're in a better mood now?"

That was very strange…So I stepped inside the bathroom but couldn't make out a strange smell or something.

"Ah, Yuki, trust me, I told you I'm alright!" he said and hugged me, placing a kiss on m lips. He pushed his hot tongue inside my mouth while his leg was straddling up and down my leg and waist.

"Don't you want to fuck me?" he said huskily.

I felt weak, maybe I was just wrong and everything was really fine with Shuichi?

But then he looked at me in confusion and fear. Did I do anything to him?

I wanted to calm him when I touched his back, kissing his neck and lips, but he tried to push me away.

"You want to kill me!" he suddenly screamed and kicked me weak with his feet. I just stared at him.

Then suddenly he hit my face and pushed me off him.

He ran into the bathroom and locked the door, I could hear him puking and I became frightened of the thought he could maybe hurt himself.

The few minutes I stood in front of the locked door were awful.

But the moments Shuichi slept on the bed, still whining and his eyelids fluttering were awful, too.

I was so helpless. I did not know what exactly was wrong with him. I sat there and shook my head.

It was not possible, and thought to myself over and over again, that he had turned into this person just because of some pot. There must have been something worse, worse than pot.

But what was it?

And one question crossed my mind over and over again, making me cry.

Nothing was worse than this.

Why did Shuichi do this to himself?

Why?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I knew it was foolish to believe Yuki would never notice the changes in me.

Sometimes, I hoped he would never find out, but finally he became suspicious like Hiro. Hiro had also told him of the incident with Masami. I would have lied to him when he asked me for the truth, but then I had a very bad break down. I know, Yuki did not want to hurt me, he never intended to kill me. However, I was truly afraid of him during that time. The only thing I could remember is locking myself in the bathroom, Yuki yelling at me and then there was only darkness.

I thought I could feel warm hands stroking my cheek, soft lips kissing me gently. I could feel Yuki sitting next to me. I wondered why he was here with me. It would have been the perfect moment to leave me. I think it was the first time he ever had a legitimate reason to leave me.

But he didn't. Instead he stayed by my side, I felt that he didn't want to leave me during the night. But when I woke up the next day about noon, Yuki was gone.

I thought that he would decide to leave me, or would tell me to pack my things and never come back, to leave him in his apartment alone.

Although he really didn't have a clue as to what was going on with me, he knew that something was not right. However, even though he didn't know exactly what was wrong, he was clever enough to know that it had nothing to do with pot.

My eyes were swollen; I yawned and the image of my grandfather came into my mind when I looked at myself in the mirror to see my pale and drawn reflection.

How could I possibly face Yuki after last nights' incident? I was sure he would yell at me, and tell me to leave him alone for the rest of his life.

He had been right all along. I have always been an idiot, an annoying brat, a pain in the ass.

I gulped, catching Yuki watching me from the door of the bathroom. He hadn't said a word, perhaps his silence is what caused me to not to notice him earlier. I've only seen that expression he wore a few times in the past. He was extremely worried, like how he was after Aizawa hurt me. I did not want Yuki to be worried about me. I am the only person responsible for my actions; nobody else had anything to do with it. Now, it would be my responsibility to change things.

But I knew Yuki had to be worried about me if I wanted a change in my life. And I really wanted things turning back into normal.

"Lunch's ready, or breakfast…or whatever you want to call it."

Yuki turned around and walked away from the doorframe as quietly as he had appeared. I sighed, taking a final glance at myself in the mirror before following him back into the kitchen. As I sat down at the table I became quite nervous over Yuki's calm demeanor. I wanted to fly away from the scene, away from the questions I was sure he would ask like what had happened to me, what had caused me to act that way the night before. I did not want to answer his questions, although he had not started to ask me anything, yet.

We ate in silence and suddenly I hated it that Yuki did not ask me what was wrong.

"So…" he started "now tell me what's going on in that stupid head of yours? Did you want to scare me? What did you think you were doing?"

"I did not beg you to come inside the bathroom to lead me to the bed. You should have went to bed by yourself and left me alone!"

In a swift movement I pushed my chair backwards and stood up, not looking back at Yuki. I just wanted to leave the room, not stand there and endure Yuki's demands that I justify my actions.

I did not want Yuki to see me like this.

"Stop!" Yuki yelled while grabbing my wrist and jerking me around to face him. His tight grip on my wrist hurt.

"Yuki" I whined "Let go…that hurts!"

He loosened his firm grip and looked deep into my eyes. I blushed; there were rare moments like this when he tried to see into the depths of my soul.

"Are you really that stupid, Shuichi?" he shook his head.

"I never thought you were that much of an idiot. Did you think you'd be that much more successful when you were smoking shit? Did you want to be a cool kid?"

"Stop talking nonsense, Yuki!" I immediately yelled back.

"You don't understand my feelings, you never did! I don't think you ever will. Just believe in me; I don't need these drugs to cheer me up! I can't stand to listen to it anymore. Hiro keeps asking me over and over again and now you have started asking me stupid questions about it, too. Just stop it, damn it!

Yuki was silent. He looked at me with his perfect mask of cold, never showing any emotion. Finally he sighed, his hand leaving mine.

"So what was it that made you go crazy yesterday? What was it, tell me? I think I have a right to know about it!"

He was certain I'd tell him everything. But I didn't.

"Oh, I understand. Suddenly you want to be a part of my life, just because I shocked you yesterday. That's all…" I started to laugh and shook my head.

"I won't tell you anything, Yuki. You've never listened to me, why should you now?"

I shuddered the moment he narrowed his eyes.

"You damn brat!" He shouted and pushed me away from him.

"Look at yourself, take a look in the mirror. Look at what has happened to you! And you tell me it's nothing? I don't want to hang around with a guy on his way to insanity! Brat, just open your mouth and tell SOMEBODY what's wrong with you!"

I felt my eyes watering again.

It hurt me that Yuki was right. It hurt me to feel helpless, even though I knew there were people around that would help me.

"Shuichi…" suddenly I noticed Yuki was holding me, with my head pressed against his chest and I was crying like a child.

His voice was soft as he tried to calm me, again.

"What's wrong with you, tell me!" desperation tinged his voice as I continued sobbing.

"It's okay, Yuki" I whimpered "You know I'm not good at fighting with you. I still can't take it when you're mean to me."

"I'm not mean to you, I tell you the truth, you little idiot" he murmured, but I still heard his words and suddenly I pushed him away from me.

"So that's it, huh? That's it what you think about me. You don't think I'm getting better, you don't think I'm worthy to live by your side? What do I have to do to make you happy, Yuki? Please, tell me. What is it that you want from me?"

He seemed surprised as he recoiled from me.

"Shuichi" he sighed once again "that's not what I said. Why do you believe these things?"

He paused for a moment before continuing with what he wanted to tell me.

"All I want you to do is tell me the truth about what's wrong with you. Everybody who's close to you has noticed, so don't tell me it's nothing".

Why did I fight it? Why wasn't I able to tell Yuki the truth, when it would have been best to tell him? How would things have worked out if I had told him? He was angry about the little pot I had smoked, what would he say about my wonderful white powder?

Oh, yes, I remembered. I had nothing left to cheer me up once again.

The powder did not work correctly the night before. I was sure it had something to do with the fact that there had not been enough to satisfy me.

I knew I would have to get more immediately!

I gave Yuki a final push away from me, leaving him confused.

"I told you it's nothing!" I murmured and headed into the living room. I stared at the TV, which was switched off, but I did not mind. Maybe something would show up on the screen and lead me to forget everything.

But nothing happened.

Yuki did not follow me; instead he locked himself in his office again. It did not bother me, now there was a chance for me to leave without Yuki finding out. I rocked myself back and forth; hoping time would pass quickly.

But time did not do me any favors. The green numbers on the VCR told me that it was 5:37 pm. The club was definitely closed at this time and I had no idea where else Masami could be. We had never met anywhere outside of the club before, so it was useless to go out looking for him.

What else could I do? There were still quite a few hours that needed to pass before I could return to the club. How could I handle the situation at home with nothing to do and my lover locked in his office? Besides, I did not want to face Yuki again. I thought of my current appearance, I looked wan and exhausted. I started to become nervous; I needed something to cheer me up. I needed sustenance? .

I made my way into the kitchen, opening the cupboards and found some pocky. I knew it would not fully satisfy my current needs, but maybe some pocky could help tide me over.

I wondered why we had just one package of pocky stored in the cupboard, but then remembered that it was indeed me who told Yuki not to buy more.

I stepped back into the living room and sat down on the sofa, opening the package of my favorite treat. It was strange not to feel excited with pocky in my hands.

I put one stick into my mouth, chewing and wondering why its taste did not remind me of happier times. It was sweet and tasted like strawberry as usual.

I felt like crying.

Why did everything I enjoyed turn into something bad? Even pocky could not make me happy again; although I was sure I still loved it. I knew it had to do with the cocaine. The white powder took everything away from me. By using it, my life was being destroyed. My feelings, my smile, my identity and even my taste for sweet things!

I placed the package back on the table and looked away. I did not intend to touch it again.

Why was this happening to me? I was too lazy and weak to fight my cravings for cocaine. There was nothing else left for me other than the powder.

Time was still slowly crawling along as I switched on the TV in an attempt to divert my attention. I stared at the screen without really watching what was going on.

I felt sweat drops on my forehead and my heart started to race. I had to do something; I could not stand to sit here any longer.

I slowly slipped down the sofa, crawling in front of the TV to open the cabinet where I usually stored the videotapes. Finally, I found what I was looking for and put the tape inside of the recorder and pressed the "play" button.

I leaned back and now my eyes followed every move of my idol, Ryuichi Sakuma. He was a god on stage! He was beautiful, he was fantastic, and his voice was divine. He was everything that I never would be. I could never reach his talent, his level of success. It was not like I wanted to be him, but I wanted to be as amazing as him.

And I was sure Sakuma-san never needed something like pot or cocaine to be happy and successful. He was not an idiot like me.

Yuki was right.

Did I think I would be that much more successful when I could not live without a drug? Wasn't it a pity that somebody needed something like this? Besides, the person I had become was not happy or successful.

"Baka!" suddenly Yuki's voice brought me back to reality. I had been totally focused on "Nittle Grasper" so that I did not notice Yuki entering the room.

When I looked up at him he was really annoyed. "Make sure your ears are still able to hear!" he snorted "And shut off the music, it's awful! Here, take the phone and talk to your stupid friend. It was annoying to answer his call. Answer it yourself next time."

He threw the phone at me and stalked back into his study.

"Hey…" I lazily greeted my best friend.

"Do you want to tell me again everything's fine with you?"

I rolled my eyes. Even on the telephone he could not stop talking about Yuki's and my problems.

"Hiro, it's okay. You know, Yuki is always under pressure when it comes to the deadlines for his novels."

"So he has an upcoming deadline?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uhm…" I really had to think hard about it. I knew a few weeks had passed, but I could not remember when he had started his latest novel, as he was always typing on a new one.

"I think so…"

"Shuichi, if you don't want to talk to me, please talk to him. It's important to me that you are ok. I know I get on your nerves, but I can feel that something's not right with you. And I'm not the only one who feels that way" he paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "Yuki's worried about you, too. Regardless of his current actions, I know he is."

"Hiro…" I tried to tell him not to worry about me anymore, but he did not want to listen to me.

"Just believe me. There are many people who care about you. It's just that…well; let me say it's strange that you no longer discuss your problems and fears with me. That's totally new for me, you know? It's not like you, or at least the old you. Maybe it's just my imagination, but…"

"HIRO!" I yelled. "Stop it! Just shut up, I don't want to hear this shit. Stop worrying about me, everything is fine. As long as you refuse to accept some changes in my life and personality, you'd better stay away from me!"

With that I hung up and curled into a ball. That had not been what I have wanted to tell him.

"I told you to keep your voice down!" Yuki appeared once again in the living room, one hand massaging his temple.

"I have a lot of work to do, brat, it's not like I'm you!" My eyes narrowed.

"What do you mean by that?" Yuki yawned and looked bored.

"Compared to you, I really have to use my brain while working. All you do is open your mouth and sing. Nothing more…"

"How dare you to say something like that to me!"

"Just face the truth!"

He turned around to leave the room, but I stepped forward and grabbed his shirt to stop him.

"Now don't you run away from me!" I shouted at him.

"Stop treating me like shit, Yuki! You're such an asshole, you know that? How can you treat me like this when all I want to do is make you happy? I gave you all my love, but what did you ever give me in return? NOTHING! Not even after everything we've been through together.

Yuki looked down at me, but did not say a word, he did not even move.

"What do you want from me, Yuki, tell me? What can I do that would be enough for you?"

I sank down to my knees, sobbing.

How could Yuki tell me I was not good at my job? I sang with my whole heart and soul. Did he want to make me believe that I was nothing and a nobody?

"Shuichi…" Yuki kneeled in front of me, his eyes focused on me while his hand gently reached out to touch my face.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed and slapped his hand away.

He sighed.

"I would really love to know what's going on in your head sometimes." I bit my lip and said nothing.

"Look" he continued "I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. But you know I need peace and quiet when I'm working and that I become very upset when you interrupt my concentration."

I nodded, still staying silent. I was so angry and hurt, yet Yuki did not want to notice, instead he took my silence as an invitation to touch my body. His hands returned, roaming over my entire body. He gently pushed me backwards until I was lying beneath him on the floor. I did not want this.

Was sex all he was interested in? It seemed there were only a few things between Yuki and I that did not lead to sex. But not now. My body trembled and I started to sweat again. Not because I was horny, I was anything but horny!

When his hand began to tug at the front of my pants I stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

"No…" I whispered and pushed his body a few centimeters away from me for the second time today. He looked at me, confused, as if he did not understand my words.

"Is this all you want from me? My body?" My eyes widened dramatically as I started to chuckle. "Remember this Yuki, this is all you can get from me. You can have my body, but not my soul anymore…"

His eyes suddenly narrowed and he pinned me against the floor again.

"Stop this shit, Shuichi! Stop playing the virgin! How stupid can a human be?"

He recoiled in surprise and pain as my knee smashed into his groin.

"Maybe I AM stupid and an idiot and all those things you tell me more than once a day! But it's just because YOU turned me into this!"

I did not look back at him as I skittered out from beneath him and dashed outside.

There was only one thing that could make me feel better.

I had to find Masami, now!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Shuichi's POV

I wanted to break down after all of the things I had said and done to Yuki that I didn't really mean. I just wanted to pretend it wasn't all my fault; I wanted to blame somebody else for the troubles I've caused myself.

Maybe, in this confused and unfocused state, it was frightening to have feelings for another person; perhaps I really was afraid of my love for Yuki. Maybe because it was the only thing I could still feel deep down inside of me.

I did not know where to go, my feet were moving automatically, and I barely noticed as I passed the places I knew so well.

What time was it? I did not know. I just walked; it really didn't matter where I was going. I knew it was still too early to go to the club. What else could I do? Where else could I go? I did not want to go back "home", if I could even call the place my home anymore.

Maybe Yuki was mad enough with me to kick me out forever. What if I couldn't get him back? I was sure I would die without him.

Oh, the mess I made of my life is so far from how I wanted things to turn out…

I wanted to be popular, successful, happy and loved. But everything I turned into was not my true self.

I stopped in front of a traffic light at a cross walk and looked up.

My eyes caught sight of a music store in Shibuya.

I really had not noticed how far I had walked from home. There was a poster of Bad Luck in the window, with Hiro, Suguru and me. The three of us smiling like idiots, seemingly happy and joyful. I knew that Suguru and Hiro were happy with their lives, but, I was not. That was not the real Shindou Shuichi in that poster. It was just the mask I have been wearing the passed few weeks. Or has it already been over a month?

Well, it had to be, because I could remember Yuki starting to work on a new novel again. Had so much time passed already?

Have I acted like such an idiot for such a long period of time?

I looked around and was grateful that nobody recognized me. How could they? I usually did not look this worn and haggard in public.

My lips started to quiver and I felt my knees getting weak again. I needed to sit down somewhere and reached into the pocket of my pants. I sighed in relief when I found a few bills, now I would be able sit down to have a drink or something.

I decided to go to a small café I knew that was down a side road. It's a quiet place, where nobody ever asks silly questions – and where the press would not expect the presence of a well known vocalist.

With shaky hands I opened the cafe door and gladly noticed that there were only a few customers inside. I saw an empty seat in a corner and headed towards it. The waitress noticed me immediately and I ordered a cup of hot chocolate.

I handed her a few crumpled bills when she placed the cup in front of me. It was then I became worried of how I would pay Masami for the cocaine. I only had a couple bills in my pocket; I had left everything else at home. How would I pay for what I needed so badly?

Maybe he would agree to let me pay him later. He knew me, and he was also certain that I was able to pay, so hopefully it would work.

I took a sip from the cup and carefully sat it down. I was still upset and my hands were trembling. For a moment, I wondered if Yuki had started to worry about me or where I had gone. But why should he? Even if he was interested in finding me, he would probably search in the wrong places. First he would look in the park, then Hiro's, where I definitely was not.

No, he did not know that I had given up everything for a little sniff of this shit that turned my whole existence into a terrible nightmare. And yet, I still enjoyed and craved the feeling cocaine gave me, the intoxication, the satisfaction. I was such a dumb ass.

I was surprised at the sweetness of the hot chocolate and I sipped it. There were still a few hours to pass before I could meet Masami. And that drove me crazy, what could I do to distract myself from thoughts of that white powder? The chocolate warmed me a bit, although my skin was not cold. However, I was very cold and lonely on the inside.

I was such an idiot…did I ever have a serious reason to turn into the big idiot that I have become? I never thought I needed anything other than music to make me happy, that there would never be anything else that could help me get over Yuki's cold behavior, although I was sure he did not mean it. He still cared for me – and yet I had pushed him away from me, afraid of what he would say if he found out what I was doing.

Oh, I loved him so much, yet I was sure I had lost him.

Another sip of hot chocolate, and suddenly it tasted more bitter then sweet. I leaned back in my comfortable chairand sighed.

I had to stop it. I could not do this to myself; I could not do this to Yuki anymore. Just because he was egoistical most of the time, did not make him as blind as I had believed him to be. Also, he was not truly as cold as he acted in front of me. I should have known him better, he was not like me, and he was not able to show emotions as often and easily as I could.

But how could I stop?

I had a terrible fight with my lover and ran away, leaving everything behind me, just to get what? A few moments of intoxication, a few moments of forgetting the rest of the world and all of my problems?

I could not run away from my problems any longer. I had to tell Yuki the truth, if I really wanted someone to help me. I clenched my fists and bit my lower lip.

Yes, I wanted to stop all this! I had to become my old self again; I wanted to be truly happy with my life just as it was, without the help of drugs or anything else.

I have many people who love me, what was I was afraid of? What was scaring me?

A deep sigh escaped from my lips.

I was afraid of the trouble I had already caused to myself. I knew I could not do it all alone, or quickly. And, it was frightening to see how stupid I had been, in fact, to see what I had done to myself.

And I was afraid of the fact that I would not be able to quit. I needed it so much…although I knew it was wrong.

"Just one last time" – I told myself over and over again.

"Just one last time, and then I really will stop using this stupid shit."

Oh – how I knew it would be a lie if there was no one else who knew about my problem. I really needed somebody to wake me up and help me go through this frightening experience.

Yuki's POV

The brat had left for about half an hour and I still sat there, smoking and staring at nothing in particular. I had just wanted to calm him, he was so upset, and my touches usually have the effect to make him feel better. But all he was able to say was that I was not the owner of his heart anymore.

I wondered since when Shuichi had drifted away from me. Well, it's not like we usually understand each other or we knew exactly how the other feels or thinks. But there is always an emotional bond between us.

Pot – could it be that pot made my little idiot a complete dumb ass?

No, that was not possible. I knew smoking shit was not the best thing you could do for your health and especially your brain, but I could not imagine it would cause a total change of the personality, could it?

So there must have been another secret Shuichi was hiding from me.

I took a long drag from my cigarette and crushed it down into the ashtray.

I was certain to find Shuichi at his best friends', so I put on my shoes and jacket, taking the keys with me as I did not intend to walk over to Hiroshis'.

Then another thought crossed my mind. Maybe Shuichi was walking around in the park. It was the place we met for the first time and I knew he loved to walk around there to remember "old times".

So I decided first to go to the park and look around for my little baka. But he was nowhere to be found in the park. The place where we first met was empty, I expected Shuichi to be sitting on a bench, crying, but he wasn't there. Shit! He used to be in the park after a fight, so why wasn't he there now?

Hiro. That was the other place I thought he would be. He was always with Hiro, crying on his shoulder, telling him how mean I've been to him. And, hell, most of the time I really was – without any reason. I should have thought about my behavior earlier…

I stepped in front of my car and stopped for a moment. What if Shuichi decided not to go to Hiro? What if he was desperately looking for his dealer?

Why would he have to go looking for him? Shuichi knew him and it seems logical that he would know where to find his dealer.

I sighed and turned the motor on. Shuichi would be with Hiro, I hoped he was. Shuichi might have ended up eating out with Hiro, but I would wait patient until they arrived. Or maybe they ordered a pizza and stayed at home? It would have been easier for me if Shuichi had decided to visit his best friend.

But Hiro just gave me an odd look when I showed up at his door.

"Huh? What do you want?" He did not even try to hide his apathy.

"What do you think I'm here for?" I snorted "Give me Shuichi back and I'll leave!"

He did not move, instead he stared at me, his eyes furious.

"What did you do to him now? Can't you stop hurting him?"

As a response I murmured something I did not understand myself and took one step into the room, although I knew Hiro would not let me in so easily.

"Before you come inside without even being asked in: Shuichi's not here and I don't have any idea where he might be."

"Liar!" I pushed him aside and walked in, looking around, hoping to find Shuichi at the end of the hall.

"I did not invite you to come in!" Hiro grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. "And I told you he's not here!"

"Where else could he be? He's not in the park, so he MUST be here with YOU! He usually shows up at your door, so don't lie to me. Where is he?"

Slowly Hiro closed the door and watched me in silence, then walking by to lead me into the living room. I've never been that far into Nakano's home.

"Some tea?" he asked kindly but I could feel he did not mean it.

"No! Now tell me where the brat is and I am gone…"

"I told you he's not here. If he's such a brat, why are you still looking for him?" He looked and me, shrugged and sat down.

"So you two had a fight once again?" I just nodded.

"And you don't know where to find him?"

"God, I told you NO! So WHERE IS HE?" I became impatient.

"I don't know!" he yelled back at me without ever breaking the eye contact. I growled and took a seat, too. Where else could Shuichi have gone?

"You know he's acting strange…I thought maybe you'd know what's wrong with him."

"Well, I think he's on pot or something."

"Do you really think pot could change him that much? He's a complete stranger to me most of the time. He's so…I don't know."

"I know what you mean. He still bounces around at work, but it doesn't feel right much of the time. But what made him angry again?"

I moaned out loud. I did not want to share my feelings or thoughts with Hiro, my eternal rival for Shuichi's love.

"Things about my work, questions about his behavior, the usual things we argue about since he's acting like a complete idiot!"

Silence and the ticking of the clock filled the room.

"Do you…do you believe there's something other than pot?"

I nodded.

"He has changed so much, he's depressed and his moments of happiness and creativity are short-lived. He has never been like this before."

"When did you notice that he has left?"

I looked at my watch, then back to Hiro. I did not really know the time Shuichi had left, but it felt like it had been hours.

"About two hours ago" I just noticed then that I had wasted too much time looking for him in the park. Shit. Something could have happened to him.

"Maybe he's home now?"

Why didn't I think of that? Maybe he was back at home, sitting in front of the TV watching Nittle Grapser tapes until the next morning.

"Yes…maybe…" I murmured and searched for my cell phone deep inside my jacket pocket. Hiro watched me curiously, waiting for an answer, waiting for me to nod and make clear Shuichi was home.

But after minutes of dialing the number over and over again I gave up. He was not at home.

"His mobile?" Hiro said and dialed the number of his best friend.

"Off" he said.

Since when did Shuichi prefer to keep his mobile off?

"Fuck, there must be something really wrong with him!" I hissed and got up immediately. I hurried back into the hall; I had to find Shuichi before he could do something stupid. Well, he was already doing something stupid, so I had to stop him before he could do something worse!

"Wait" I heard Hiro shout behind me.

"What?"

"He's my best friend; don't you think I should know what's wrong with him?"

I rolled my eyes although I knew he was right.

"Okay, so where do you think he went?"

Shuichi's POV

Another hot chocolate later, I was thankful to see that there was just one more hour to pass before I could go to the club to see Masami. I hoped he would be there at the time I expected him to be.

I could not think clearly, my mind was lacking for inspiration, I needed it so badly. I needed something to make me feel alive for a while.

My legs felt like jelly and I stumbled outside the café. Was it foggy outside? It seemed to me that the weather had changed drastically. I began to shiver. I felt so cold…

"Please – not now" I whispered and started to shuffle forward.

I was out of breath, I had to pause for a moment and sat down on a bench, cupping my head with my hands and took deep breaths, in and out.

Why was this happening to me? Was this the end? Why did my body and my soul cry for release, why did I have to crave for more cocaine?

I did not _want_ it anymore, really. But I _needed_ it. It was such an awful feeling to be so helpless without anything or anybody around to help me.

Not like there wasn't anyone who wanted to help me, but I did not want to involve those people just because I loved them so much – although they were the only ones who were able to change the situation. It seemed like a never ending cycle…

I was too weak to handle the situation all by myself. All I could think of clearly was Masami and the wonderful power he could give me.

Why did it have to be so damn early? I could not stand it anymore.

Suddenly another thought crossed my mind. What if they did not let me in when I went to visit the club?  
I would die if the possibility to become satisfied was taken away from me. I rubbed my eyes, lifted my head and looked around.

All those people around me did not care whether I was fine or not. They did not know me although I expected them to notice me. I was Shindou Shuichi. Vocalist of the popular band Bad Luck. Why didn't they recognize me?

But who was I?

I was nothing more then an idiot sitting on a bench, desperately trying to survive another hour before I was suffering once more - because of my own idiocy.

Where the hell was Yuki? Why hadn't he found me? Didn't he want to be certain I was safe?

I wanted to snuggle into his embrace, smell his scent, hear his breath. How could love hurt so much although it was the last emotion you could feel burn deep down inside of you?

I was so afraid he did not love me back…

Masami, how could I find him? It seemed he was the only person who could help me now.

Yuki's POV

Hiro had suggested looking for Shuichi in the park once again. He thought Shuichi could have gone there after walking around in the streets for a while. But, still, Shuichi was nowhere to be found.

I really hope the little baka had decided to go home after a few hours of being out, so we both made our way back to where we hoped Shuichi would be. My and Shuichi's home.

I fumbled for the keys and when the door opened I hurried inside, expecting Shuichi to be sitting on the sofa, watching TV.

But the apartment was empty, the lights were out and I could not make out the noise of the TV. Hiro entered the apartment right behind me, also waiting for Shuichi's appearance.

But Shuichi did not do us the favor to come out of his hiding place. I really wished he would do so. I wanted to see the honest smile on his lips again.

I moaned out loud and sunk down on the sofa.

"So he did not return home" I murmured more to myself than to Hiro. He sighed deeply and sat down on the other end of the sofa.

"It's your fault…" Hiro whispered and immediately I locked eyes with him.

"If you weren't always so mean and hurtful to him, he never would have turned into the person he is now!"

"Oh, you really think that?" I snorted, but feeling guilty the same moment. Maybe Hiro was right and it was my cold behavior that made Shuichi choose this way.

"Shuichi was such an innocent person before he met you!"

So Hiro wanted to blame me for Shuichi's lost of innocence? Did he have nothing better in mind than blaming me for something that probably would have happened even if Shuichi and I had never met?

"Do you still believe in the innocent version of Shuichi? You know him in another way than me, so stop getting on my nerves with your accusations!"

"You're not worthy of him. He should stay with somebody else."

I snorted once again.

".. Maybe you're just having wishful thinking that he would end up with someone else.. someone more like you?"

He did not answer me, but I could figure out he nodded slightly.

"You treat him like dirt. You don't deserve him. He loves you so much and would do everything for you and all you can do is making him feel like an idiot, you cheat on him and"

"Cheating on him, huh? So you think it's me who's unfaithful to him?"

The anger about Shuichi's betrayal was still burning inside of me.

"I know you don't give a damn about him being sad while you're screwing around."

"Watch your mouth, Nakano!" I hissed giving him a dark embittered glare. How dare he say those things to my face.

"Besides it's not me who's been unfaithful in this relationship. I walked in on your cute little friend and my dear brother fucking – so don't tell me I'm the one who's cheating!"

Hiro opened his mouth to say something but ended in silence. He was too shocked to say anything.

He started to stammer "I…I didn't know he…"

"Forget it!" I muttered and reached for the cigarettes, offering one of them to Shuichi's best friend without even thinking.

For a few minutes we sat in complete silence, waiting for Shuichi to come home. He didn't.

"He…he never told me that he and your brother..."

"You better shut up. I don't want to hear a damn thing about it. It's annoying even to think about it, so let's forget it."

Hiro cleared his throat and I looked up at him.

"So you're not mad with him about it?"

Hesitantly I shook my head.

"Should I be?" I leaned back in my seat. "He was probably high and didn't know what he was doing."

Like a flash another idea crossed my mind.

High – drugs – Shuichi.

It seemed Hiro was thinking the same, because he started wide eyed at me.

"The club!"

Shuichi's POV

Finally, finally time did me the favor to go on and, exhausted, I stood in front of the club, as the last of my energy drained from my body and all I could think of was to get inside to see Masami.

I was lucky, they let me in. I hurried over to the corner of the club Masami usually was in and I sighed in relief when I saw him sitting on a stool.

I smiled when he noticed me and stepped in front of him, feebly smiling as I looked up into his eyes, hoping he'd know why I came there.

"So you came back already. I did not expect you to be here so damn early."

He smiled and took a long sip from his drink, touching my face with his hand.

"How much do you want this time?"

"How much can you give me?"

He chuckled and slipped down from the stool, touching my body slightly.

"Are you in such a need? Oh, I knew you would come to me and beg for more."

"Please hurry, I need it."

He put his arm around my slim waist and brushed my ear with his lips. I shuddered, not because I enjoyed him being near me, but my body was shaking from need for the coming intoxication.

"First the payment!" he pulled out a few small packages I was longing for.

"Uhm…" I stuttered "I – I don't have enough money with me." He looked down on me, his eyes showing interest.

"But I'll bring you the rest of the money tomorrow, if it's okay with you!"

Softly he brushed my lips with his, trailing his tongue around the curves of my upper lip.

"No" he suddenly whispered into my ear and my eyes widened in surprise.

Suddenly I felt his hands sliding down the small of my back till they reached my buttocks. He squeezed them and I could hear his breath quicken.

Oh no – was all I could think – I wouldn't do this as payment, would I?

"There's another way you could show me…how bad you need the stuff and if it was good you'd get a package or two. Hm? What d'you think?"

Disgusted I looked to the side, I did not want to meet his gaze now.

No, no, no, no, no!

I slightly shook my head.

"Come on" he grabbed my ass cheeks one more time, trying to make me want to accept his offer.

"You don't get one of these wonderful bags if you don't agree."

I looked up in shock at him. He just stared at me and grinned.

"So? You'll do me the favor and let me fuck you for one of those baggies you'd die for?"

Well, that was the moment Yuki suddenly appeared behind me. What was he doing there? How did he know where I was?

His fist smashed into Masami's stomach and the guy stopped his stupid grinning. Yuki hit him again and again until Hiro – Hiro? – also appeared and tried to pull him back.

And it was then when I looked into Yuki's face, wild and distorted with rage, that I passed out.

_Hey there!_

_At the moment, there are no further updates until I have some new ideas how to go on with the story._


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

_Yuki's POV_

Cocaine.

Over and over again I repeated in my mind. It was cocaine, all this time. And I did not notice. How blind have I been?

How could Shuichi have done this to himself? What had made him feel like he had to do it? Was it entirely my fault, like Hiro said?

I looked down on the angelic face of Shuichi, sleeping now. He had broken down in the club. I'm not certain if it happened because he had run out of cocaine or the fact that I was beating up that guy.  
Oh, I wanted to kick the hell out of him, but Hiro had finally pulled me back.

"You better not tell any of this to anyone or you'll regret it!"

I think the guy noticed that he shouldn't start a fight with me. We haven't heard anything else from him or about him as Shuichi's dealer. So the guy did understand what I told him.

But now, while Shuichi was sleeping, I asked myself over and over why all this shit had happened? Exactly how long had Shuichi been using?

After Hiro and I had made our way out of the club, with my little idiot in my arms, we decided to take him to the hospital. Shuichi was half awake and mumbled that he wanted to go home so the doctor had to let him go.

He just told us to take care of him as it seemed he had a break down from exhaustion, he needed sleep and a lot of rest.

But Hiro and I knew what it was truly about.

Now Shuichi was sleeping in my lap. I had not been able to fall asleep after all that had happened. It had been hard enough to make Hiro leave Shuichi and me alone, as he wanted to be at his side when he woke.

He looked so…innocent. Despite all the stupid things he had done, he looked so damn innocent. His cute face, the soft cheeks and lips made his face look like an angel. And, on the other hand, he was indeed an angel. I know I don't often show him that he means something to me, but, indeed, I need him more than anything else in this world!

His hair was so soft and I was carefully touching his face as he slept. Was it possible I've killed the person I loved most – again?

But, compared to Kitazawa-sensei, Shuichi was still here. And he did not betray me the way Kitazawa had betrayed me and my feelings. I know I should have stopped treating him like an annoyance, like everything that Yuki had done to me, was his entire fault.

"You're such an idiot…" I whispered to the sleeping baka. "You're such a stupid jerk sometimes. What did you think you were doing, eh?"

I felt Shuichi moving and stopped breathing for a moment. I did not want him to wake up. I thought he needed more rest before we could talk about the things I had found out that night. Maybe his mind would be clearer the next day, if it was not still clouded by the need for cocaine.

Oh, I knew hard times were coming because of his problem. For both of us.

I wanted my number one to make me his number one again.

"Yuki?" he blinked at me, his eyes half lidded and blood-shot, like he hadn't slept enough.

"Sshh.." I told him, cupping his cheek with my hand "Go back to sleep, Shuichi. You need to rest."

"Don't leave me…" he whispered, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly. "Don't leave me, please…"

"I won't. Now go back to sleep, I'm here…"

"Love you…" was the last thing I heard as he drifted back to sleep. I carefully stroked back the hair on his forehead, listening to the sounds he was making during sleep.

It wouldn't be easy to talk to him, but hopefully his mind would be clear enough to talk with me about it the next day.

_Shuichi's POV_

When my eyes snapped open the first thing I noticed was the sunlight flooding into the bedroom. How did I get here? I shifted a bit and then noticed the body next to mine. First, I thought I had made the biggest mistake in my life and ended up sleeping with Masami. God, I was so relieved when I realized that it was Yuki!

"Oh yes…" I mumbled to myself and shifted a bit so Yuki could slide down onto the pillow. My mind was able to remember some parts of the night before. Suddenly, I was fully awake.

So now Yuki knew exactly what I have been doing, he had seen Masami and what he was doing to me. I looked down at the sleeping body of my lover. Why had Yuki brought me here? I thought if he ever found out what was happening, he would certainly leave me.

But he was beside me…

I stiffened when I felt the body next to mine moving; too afraid of looking down on him again as I knew Yuki was awakening. I could not look in his eyes anymore. What if he believed I had had an affair with Masami? What if he thought I was a whore?

Which, in some way, maybe I was.

"Morning…" he said, his voice thick. He cleared his throat and stretched his arms, looking tired and exhausted when he left the bed and walked into the bathroom, where I heard the flush of the toilet a few minutes later.

What could I do? Nothing. I was trapped and I supposed he did not plan to let me out until I have told him every single detail.

"Dear god…" I whispered to myself when I, too, left the bed, heading into the kitchen where Yuki appeared a few minutes later.

But the only thing burning inside of me was the need for cocaine. I needed it's help to get through this conversation. Needless to say cocaine was the only reason Yuki and I had to have this conversation.

He stepped next to me, fumbling for two cups, and then he finally made coffee. Surprisingly, he made hot chocolate for me. I looked up at him and he was met my gaze and sat down on the chair across from me.

I could see he was thinking of how to begin.

"Yuki, I…" I tried to speak but was cut off by the tears that were building in the corners of my eyes, my voice shook and so I bit my lip instead of saying anything.

Yuki put the cup down and stared at me without saying a word. Maybe he was still thinking of what to say. The only sounds I could make out were my sobbing and the clock in the kitchen. Yuki still did not say a thing.

"I'm sorry…" he finally said which made me lift my head.

I did not understand. What was he sorry for?

"What?" I gulped, tears streaming down on my face.

"I'm sorry if I'm the reason that made you act like a complete idiot. Not like you've never been an idiot before, but this…you know, this is the stupidest thing you have ever done in your life! What did you think you were doing, Shuichi? What did you think that stuff would turn you into? Did you even think about it or was it just a wonderful feeling, being a stupid asshole?"

Now it's over – I thought to myself – now he's going to tell me to leave him alone for the rest of his life. But Yuki didn't.

"Did you ever think about your health? Look at your face, you're pale, you're skinny. What has happened to you, Shuichi? Did you ever consider this?"

He shook his head and rose from his chair, stepping towards me and waiting for me to look up at him. But I couldn't.

"Why, Shuichi? Why did you do all this to yourself? Why did you do this to your friends, why did you do this to me?"

Was his voice really shake slightly? I was still crying, could not stop the tears, and could not stop the embarrassment and pain inside of me.

What should I tell him? The truth of course, but what was the truth? I've been a dumb ass, a complete idiot, without even thinking I threw everything away and what was it for?

All I wanted was the attention of somebody. I wanted somebody by my side to hold me, who would never leave me.

"I…" I tried to collect my mind. "I just wanted…to be…"

"What?" Yuki was now on his knees, gripping my shoulders tightly, shaking me. "You wanted to be what, Shuichi?"

"Maybe…" I bit my lip once again, feeling the pain shot through my body when I bit it so hard that it started to bleed. "Maybe I just wanted to be loved…"

My voice was soft; nothing more than a whisper, but Yuki was close enough to understand what I have said. Suddenly Yuki loosened his grip on me, and he sat back on the cold kitchen floor, still staring at me.

"So you think there's no one in this world who loves you? What about your parents, what about Hiro, don't you think they love you more than you can imagine?"

I nodded slightly.

"I know…" I whined "but…that's not what…I meant, Yuki…don't you care for me?"

I think that confused him, hurt him or whatever, but he stared at me in shock and total disbelief.

"So that's it? It's my fault?"

Suddenly Yuki became pale, his eyes wandered irritated throughout the kitchen, without focusing on any one place.

_Yuki's POV_

"Don't you care for me?"

I looked into his big and sad eyes and it never hurt me more to see him like this just because of me. Who was I to tell him there were people who loved him when I was not able to tell him that I felt the same way? I barely showed him I truly cared, but that was me, wasn't it?

"So that's it? It's my fault?"

I spoke more to myself than Shuichi while I was looking around in the kitchen. How could I look him in his sad eyes now?

Really, I must have been a truly horrible person if I had led Shuichi to do something like this. My cold and icy behavior, my harsh words had made him search for acceptance, for love – things I was not able to show as easily as he did and still does.

Why did, every time I reached for the person I love, this person break because of me? How was it possible? What was I doing wrong?  
Well, I knew very well how I was treating Shuichi, but I always told myself the little baka was able to understand the hints. But it seemed I had been totally wrong.

"Baka…" I finally managed to talk again "I do care for you, you know that."

"I don't!" he whined at me and made me look up at him once again, his eyes red, tears pouring over his face.

"I'm just an annoyance, nothing more! You hate me, don't you?"

"Shuichi…" I kneeled in front of him, holding him in a firm grip, making him look into my eyes again.

"I don't hate you and I never have, you know that. And I do care for you" suspiciously he met my gaze "I do! In my own special and strange way" I added.

"But" he finally opened his mouth to say something "you don't love me, do you?"

"Is that the reason you did this to yourself? Because you think I don't care for you, don't love you?" I shook my head, hugging him tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi" I bit my lip because now I felt my own tears coming up. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way, I never wanted you to end up like this."

I paused for a moment, my voice shaking and my breath ragged..

"I never meant to hurt you like this, Shuichi" carefully I stroked the back of his head, trying to calm him. "But I want to be here for you if you need me now, okay?"

_Shuichi's POV_

"I would never blame you for this, Yuki!"

My arms now wrapped around his body. I could feel his body heat, his scent and asked myself when I had felt him this way the last time, it seemed so long ago.

"It's my entire fault; I was an idiot, like you always said." I sighed, but was relieved that I stopped crying.

"Maybe…I can't tell you the true reason as I don't know it myself. I'm not sure why, it happened because I was unhappy. I felt like I could never be successful enough with Bad Luck, I wanted everybody to admire me, to tell me how much they adore me for my music."

Yuki was still stroking my hair gently. I felt his hot puffs of breath against my neck and shuddered. It's in moments like this; I always notice how much I truly love him.

"I was afraid of loosing you. I…I believed you hate me and did not want me in your life anymore. You always seemed so busy with work and…"

"So it's my fault, isn't it?" I heard him murmuring next to my ear, his voice soft.

Slowly I pushed him away from me, I wanted to look in his eyes and see how he felt. I wanted to see something like love and understanding when I looked at him.

"You know" he went on "I've never been good with things like these. I'm a novelist and not able to express my own feelings, funny, isn't it? But never think again I hate you. It's not true, you know that. I would never let you live here with me if I hated you."

He suddenly kissed my forehead and closed his eyes, sighing deeply.

"I love you, brat, you never noticed it, eh?"

I smiled. That was Yuki. I had to accept he's not the type who tells you twice a day he loves you.

"You're not alone and you have never been. We all love you, Shuichi, and we were all worried about you, especially Hiro. He was very upset yesterday."

So Hiro did not believe in my innocence anymore, did he?

"Maybe you should call him to say you're okay? We were both scared yesterday when we found you…with that guy."

I hold my breath.

"Masami, he's…."

"He's somebody you will never see again in your life! Never, Shuichi! That bastard dared to touch you in a way that no one other than me is allowed to! What were you going to do with him? Did you really think about having sex with him for this shit?"

I could see the anger in Yuki's eyes and was afraid he could hit me for being such an idiot.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what was going on in my head, I…"

A deep sigh escaped Yuki's lips and he closed his eyes for a short moment.

"You don't have to apologize; I have to be sorry for yelling at you again. I didn't mean to. I am just…upset when I think about the things the bastard could have done to you. But" he continued "you know that "sorry" is not enough for what has happened? There will be other things you will have to do now."

………….

Thank you all for reading!  
I'm still thinking about how to end the story, with this chapter or another one (like an epilogue)?.

Thanks to all of you, who submitted a review.


	11. Epilogue

Chapter 11 (Epilogue)

"So" he says. "How are you feeling now?"

I shrug.

"Well…I guess, I'm fine now…"

He does not look like he really believes me.

"You're sure? You know what happened two months ago when you said you were fine?"

I bow my head and sigh.

He is right. I could not forget what had happened "Two months ago when I said I was fine".

Of course I still remember the night of the Big Party after a "The best J-Pop" hosted by J-Music-TV! Feeling free and happy I could not resist the offer of two band mates from a nameless band. I am such a dumb ass to say "yes" once again.

I really believed it could never happen again.

I think that was the best thing that could happen to show me that everything was not fine.

Dear god, you should have seen Yukis' face when I came back home! I don't know how exactly he noticed it; he said it was my "strange behavior".

He really was angry with me it was a hard time afterwards and I still had to go to drug rehab and the psychiatrist.

Since then, Yuki has been more suspicious than ever before!

I know he and Hiro still call each other when I leave one of them, just to make sure it was not possible for me to go anywhere to get "new stuff" without anyone noticing. It really starting to annoying me, but I can't blame them, can I?

In the end it's been my fault the whole time, so it's logical that they are still worried about me. And they want to know what I do all the time.

But I don't know if I can take this observation any longer! I have to talk with Yuki about it tonight when he finishes writing.

After all these thoughts, I finally decide to answer the doctors' question.

"I think so. Yes, I can still remember, but I won't ever let it happen again. I don't want it anymore. I already told you I don't know what was going on in my head when I tried it again. But I can't take it anymore. I don't want my soul, my body and my brain addicted to cocaine once again. Much less any other drug!"

He smiles at me, and nods while noting something on my chart.

"That's fine" he murmurs. Than he lifts his head and looks into my eyes,

"Fine, then I would say we'll see you again in two weeks, won't we?"

I smile to answer him and feel relieved to exit the doctors' office.

On the other side of the street I see the new ice-cream parlor and decide to go there. It would be nice to taste the sweetness of ice-cream now!

And it's really tasty which makes me feel better. I really don't like talking about what happened a few months ago. I can't full escape my past mistakes and their aftermath – but sometimes it is good to forget for a little while.

But neither Yuki, Hiro, nor the shrink can stop talking about it. They remind me all the time about what happened and that they have to look after me.

But they don't. I'm not a child, even if I tend to act the part at times.

They think I still run the risk of using cocaine, but I will prove them wrong!

My cell phone is vibrating, a message from Yuki. He asks if I need him to pick me up from the doctors'. No, I can walk home by myself. I really have to talk to him about the spying.

The worst thing is that Tohma knows, too. I hate him staring at me with his cold and unreadable eyes. What does he think of me now? I can tell you, he's waiting for me to make a mistake again, so he can be the first one to go running to Yuki to point it out!

I can't really blame Yuki for telling Tohma, although I was very upset when he told me.

"Am I not allowed talking to anybody about what you've done?" he had shouted, tears building up in the corner of his eyes. Those really made me feel frightened.

"It's not like you only hurt yourself!"

Oh yes, he had told me he had been really hurt to see Tatsuha and me in bed. I think I will always have to apologize for that incident.

Why does he have to be so unforgiving? It's not like he's an angel.

I answer Yuki's message while I cross the park, pausing at one special place for a minute or so.

I will never forget this spot, where Yuki and I first met. And I smile.

Because I still feel like Yuki's the best thing that could have happened to me.

I want to believe in him; someday he will trust me, trust that I won't need drugs anymore, and that I won't cheat on him.

I hope he does not make me wait too long.

You know, humans spend their lifetime searching for the one true love, no one wants to be alone.

We are striving for success and acceptance. But everyone will reach a point thatreminds us of our mortality and humanity.

There will always be situations that will make us cry.

Some of us accept that, but some of us are too weak to face the truth and unable to find the strength to carry on.

I was one of them. The human stupidity! We tend to believe illusions. But when we wake up it's too late.

I want to be strong again.

END

THANK YOU

1st

to all the readers and reviewers! I hope you also like the end of the story! Maybe I will write a sequel maybe.

2nd

to Ashcat! Thank you so much for your help! I still feel embarrassed how many mistakes I always do during writing "


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